Skills for Healthy Conflict from a Plymouth, MN Couples Therapist

Written by Eric Anfinson, LMFT, Radiant Living Therapist

When it comes to bringing up problems intentionally, or arguments that break out on their own, conflict can be a confusing maze filled with landmines and dead ends. Conflict can often feel frustrating to the point that we don’t bring up problems in the first place. For some, the conflict can feel pointless as nothing ever gets resolved. Today I want to look a bit deeper than using “I feel” statements and talk about a number of things to keep in mind to keep your conflict healthy and productive. I want to note that “productive” is a key word here, conflict always has a goal, and if you’re reaching it then the conflict feels like it was worthwhile. You can even end up feeling closer to your partner, make up sex happens for a reason!

Relationship Conflict Tip #1: Reflect and Validate

Firstly, I do want to mention I feel statements. These aren’t solving anything on their own, but they can help us quickly get to the core of an argument or issue. If a couple is having an argument about whose turn it is to do the dishes they could go back and forth all day, which feels incredibly frustrating. If one of them can use an I feel statement to name that the real problem is feeling unsupported in caring for the home, now we’ve got a worthwhile conversation going on.

Couple sitting on a couch talking with a marriage counselor near Plymouth, MN about their high conflict relationship. Learn more about how online couples therapy in Minnesota can help.

Once those feelings are out there, our first tool is reflection and validation. This is the part of the argument where we genuinely hear and understand one another. Without this step, an argument isn’t going anywhere. Reflection is paraphrasing what your partner said. We are not repeating verbatim but paraphrasing with the intent of demonstrating understanding. In our dishes example this might sound like “Ok I’m hearing that you’re not just upset about the dishes, you feel like you need more help around the house in general.” This reflection can avoid miscommunication and stops many arguments in their tracks.

Most of us just want to be heard. Reflection is followed by validation. Letting your partner know that their feelings are valid, even if you disagree! We’re validating feelings, not facts, and feelings can’t be wrong. Here this might sound like “I’m sorry you feel like you’re doing all the work, that’s got to be incredibly frustrating and I’m sure it’s not making you feel good about me.” Once both partners have had a chance to be heard and validated, we move on to the next step.

Relationship Conflict Tip #2: Supporting vs. Solving

Once we’ve used our previous skills to identify and understand the problem, we can look at what it is that needs to be resolved. As I said, all conflict has a purpose. However, this doesn’t necessarily mean what you think. There are two things that may be needed for any conflict, and you might need one or both.

The first is support. Sometimes we don’t want to hear solutions, we just want to know that we are heard and supported. “Oh babe, I don’t need you to do more around the house, I just want to feel like you’re noticing and appreciating what I do.” In this example, no “solution” is needed other than emotional support. The opposite could also be true. “I don’t need your appreciation for doing the dishes, I just need you to do your share.” Here we don’t need support, just a practical solution. I find that the best thing to do when entering an argument is to ask for what you need or ask for what your partner needs. Do you need support, solutions, or both?

Relationship Conflict Tip #3: Solvable vs Unsolvable

Pregnant woman and her partner arguing on a solid blue background. Online Couples Therapy in Minnesota can help you use conflict to create a stronger relationship. Learn valuable conflict resolution tips from a Plymouth, MN area couples therapist here.

Next, I’d like to briefly mention that sometimes you may need to identify whether you have a solvable or unsolvable problem. When it comes down to identity and values, some things just aren’t going to change. It can be incredibly annoying to agree to disagree but sometimes this is the best choice. If being on time for reservations is very important to one partner but not the other, they may never agree on when to arrive and have constant arguments about being rushed/being late.

One way to address unsolvable problems is a split compromise. In this case, maybe the couple drives to dinner separately. The one who wants to be on time can get there early, and have an appetizer, and the other can take their time getting ready and not feel rushed. As I said, agreeing to disagree can be a healthy choice as well. The trick here is not to equate understanding with agreement. We can often feel like if our partner actually understood us, they would agree. This is not the case. Most problems in life have multiple solutions and the right solution varies depending on who you are solving it for. Your partner can disagree without invalidating your opinion.

Relationship Conflict Tip #4: Follow Through and Repair

The last thing I want to look at here is the end of the argument. If harsh feelings or words have been shared, then repair is very important. Repair is simply letting your partner know that your relationship is more important than the argument and you love and care for them. This can look different for every couple. It might just be a big hug, it might be an I love you, it might just be saying “we good?” and moving on. If you find your partner won’t let an argument die, they’re probably waiting for the closure that a repair brings.

Lastly, I want to mention follow-through. When you find a concrete solution to a problem, following through on your agreed-upon solution is very important. Not following through can feel like a betrayal of everything that came before. If you use these skills to make your partner feel heard and understood, then don’t actually change anything, it can feel like you weren’t actually listening, and lied about understanding. So make sure you enact that plan!

You CAN Make Lasting and Meaningful Relationship Change Through Conflict

In conclusion, conflict is never fun, but it doesn’t have to be scary, and it doesn’t have to be pointless. Conflict serves the purpose of resolving issues within the relationship and if we don’t do it, nothing gets resolved. Tackling each problem as it arises is much easier than taking on 10 years’ worth of arguments at once. If these concepts sound useful and you’d like to learn more about them or how better to put them into practice, our therapists are here to help!