Blog

By Megan Manning, LMFT

For the past decade, I’ve had the privilege of working with the perinatal population — a group of individuals navigating pregnancy through the first year after childbirth. This period of life, often filled with immense joy and challenges, brings up recurring themes in my conversations. These include adjusting to new identities, understanding baby development, managing relationships with partners, and returning to paid work. Yet, one theme consistently stands out: the overwhelming pressure of the word ‘should’.

A Note About the Language of “Moms” and “Motherhood”

Throughout this article, I will use terms like “moms” and “motherhood” to refer to any parent raising a child, regardless of their circumstances. I recognize that many who are primary caregivers may not identify with the term “mom,” and this post speaks to all parents, regardless of their identity.

The Power of ‘Should’

In both my Motherhood Series and clinical practice, I frequently hear phrases like, “I know I should…” or “I probably should…” The word ‘should’ often carries a sense of obligation, external pressure, or guilt.

As a facilitator and therapist, my initial response is always to listen and validate. However, after a while, I can’t help but gently ask: “Should you?” Or, sometimes, “Maybe you could, if you really wanted to.” This shift in language might seem subtle, but it creates an opening for deeper reflection, self-compassion, and real change.

Actionable Step: Pause and Reflect

• Action Tip: The next time you catch yourself saying “I should” in relation to something you’re feeling pressure about, ask yourself: “Do I really believe this, or is it something I feel I’m supposed to do based on others’ expectations?” Acknowledge the difference between external pressure and what truly aligns with your values and desires.

Challenging the ‘Shoulds’: A Moment of Pause

When I work with new moms, I encourage them to slow down and question their ‘shoulds.’ The goal isn’t to tell them what to do or what not to do — it’s about sparking curiosity and self-reflection.

Here are a few questions that can help challenge those ‘shoulds’ and bring more clarity:

• Who says you ‘should’? Is it society, your family, or your inner critic?
• Does it align with your values? Does this ‘should’ match your personal beliefs about yourself and your family?
• What would happen if you chose a different path? What alternative choices could you make instead?

This moment of pause offers a fresh perspective, often leading to a powerful realization that you don’t have to follow the ‘shoulds.’ You have the agency to decide what’s best for you.

Actionable Step: Start Journaling Your ‘Shoulds’

• Action Tip: Grab a journal and write down the ‘shoulds’ you hear yourself saying this week. For example, “I should be a perfect mom,” or “I should be back at work already.” Then, reflect on where these ideas come from and whether they serve you. This practice helps to uncover unnecessary pressures and allows you to shift your mindset.

Shifting from ‘Should’ to ‘Could’

One of the most effective tools I share with the mothers I work with is this: Stop ‘shoulding’ all over yourself. It’s a playful, yet powerful way to remind ourselves of the importance of self-compassion.

When you reframe your thoughts from “I should” to “I could,” you open the door to choice and empowerment. Instead of feeling trapped by external expectations, you start to feel in control of your actions and decisions.

Actionable Step: Language Reframing

• Action Tip: Each time you say “I should,” stop and consciously reframe it to “I could.” For example, “I should get up earlier” becomes “I could get up earlier if I choose to.” This small change can lead to a sense of control and ease, reducing stress and increasing your self-compassion.

The Interconnected Concepts: Boundaries, Assertiveness, and Advocacy

When you begin to question the ‘shoulds,’ other crucial concepts naturally arise: boundaries, assertiveness, and advocacy. These tools are key in navigating your new role as a parent and in creating a family dynamic that works for you.

Boundaries allow you to protect your time and energy. Assertiveness helps you express your needs, while advocacy ensures that you’re standing up for yourself and your family when necessary.

But these skills don’t always come naturally, especially when you’re juggling a newborn. The good news is that they can be learned and strengthened over time.

Actionable Step: Establish Healthy Boundaries

• Action Tip: Identify one area in your life where your boundaries feel compromised. It might be accepting too much help, overcommitting socially, or not taking time for yourself. Once identified, practice asserting your boundaries by letting others know a boundary has been crossed. This small act of self-respect can transform your sense of self and balance.
  • Ex: Your mother in law tells says, “Stop picking the baby up when she cries, you’re going to spoil her!”
    •  You might say something like “Baby is safe and loved, but thank you for the idea”

A Final Word: Take a Breath, and Breathe Joy Into Your Life

So, dear moms, here’s your reminder: Take a breath. Step back from the pressure of ‘shoulding’ all over yourself. And — if you can — do something for yourself that brings you joy.

I’ll let you in on a little secret: I really, truly think you should… because when you fill your cup, you’ll be better able to pour into the lives of those you love. But remember, the choice is yours!

Actionable Step: Joyful Moments for Self-Care

• Action Tip: Identify one small activity this week that brings you joy — it might be a walk, a bubble bath, or reading a favorite book. Commit to making time for it, and notice how it replenishes your spirit.

By challenging the ‘shoulds’ and embracing more compassionate language, boundaries, and self-care, you can begin to navigate the challenges of perinatal life with more ease and joy. Remember, it’s not about perfection; it’s about giving yourself the permission to show up, as you are, in every moment.

Want to dive deeper into this journey of self-compassion and reflection? Join me at my Motherhood Series for more support and tools.

Helpful Resources:

• Postpartum Support International
• The Gifts of Imperfection, Brene’ Brown
• Blooma (Minneapolis, MN and virtual) OR Amma Parenting (multiple Twin Cities locations and virtual)

Ready for Perinatal (Pregnancy & Postpartum) Therapy in Plymouth, MN?

I would love to meet with you and talk about how to feel more supported and less “should” pressure. Getting online therapy in Minnesota or in-person therapy in Plymouth, MN therapy office is easy!

1. Schedule a free online therapy consultation to talk and get started
2. Meet with a caring Minnesota online therapist
3. Begin your journey to start healing and feeling more like your best possible self.

Other Counseling Services at Radiant Living Therapy

At Radiant Living Therapy, we understand what you’re going through, and provide counseling for men to address your needs. Also, the therapists at our Plymouth, MN counseling office offer other mental health services such as anxiety and depression counseling, teen therapy, EMDR for trauma therapy, and skilled couples therapy. Check out our therapist blog or learn more about our team of expert therapists! Let us help you live your best life!