Setting Boundaries: The Holiday Edition

by Josalin Brausen, Masters Intern Therapist

Let’s get real for a second – what comes to mind when you think about setting boundaries? Anxiety? Fear? Selfishness? Rejection? Most of us know that setting boundaries is an important part of self-care, however, this doesn’t take away the difficulty and complicated feelings that arise when we try to take care of ourselves in that way. All of this is commonly exacerbated during the holidays. Yes, the holidays are thought to be the “happiest time of the year” yet stress and overwhelm tend to be at an all-time high for many people. One survey found that 62% of respondents reported their stress level to be very or somewhat elevated during the holidays, and only 10% of respondents reported no stress during this time of year. One way we can decrease our stress level is by setting strong personal boundaries to protect our time and well-being. In this blog post, I will dive into some tips on how to do just that.

What does setting a boundary look like?

To set boundaries, we need to have a grasp on what a good boundary looks like. At its core, a boundary communicates what is and is not acceptable within relationships or our lives. They not only set expectations for others but for ourselves as well. Boundaries can look very different from person to person, and depending on the context – for instance, boundaries with co-workers may be much more rigid than with a close friend. They dictate what is most important to us, and work to make sure we are taking care of our wellbeing. There are many types of boundaries, some of which are:

Heart with barbed wire representing setting healthy boundaries in relationships even when it's hard. Consider talking with a Plymouth, MN therapist for couples therapy, online therapy in Minnesota, and more here.

Physical Boundaries: Set to protect your physical space and body. An example is letting others know what kind of physical touch is acceptable for you. An example is deciding not to hug people goodbye because it makes you uncomfortable.
Emotional Boundaries: Set to protect the right to have your feelings, thoughts, and opinions and not to be responsible for the feelings of others. This could look like refusing to engage in unproductive conversations with others that are offensive to you.
Spiritual or Religious Boundaries: Set to protect your right to believe in whatever you want and practice those beliefs how you want, as long as they don’t interfere with the lives of others. For example, choosing not to celebrate a holiday that does not align with your beliefs.
Financial Boundaries: Set to protect your financials including deciding what to spend money on, getting paid fairly by employers, if and when to loan money to others, etc. This could include making a budget to follow when buying presents for others.
Time Boundaries: Set to protect how you spend your time. This is a big one for the holiday season. These make sure you are spending your time in ways that YOU want to and in ways that fill your cup, not getting caught up in all of the events you feel like you SHOULD or HAVE TO attend.

What boundaries do I need to set?

Person writing "set boundaries" on a piece of paper with a fancy pen representing setting healthy boundaries in relationships even when it's hard. Consider talking with a Plymouth, MN therapist for couples therapy, online therapy in Minnesota, and more here.

Now that we grasp what a boundary is, how do we know what boundaries to set? When we become accustomed to saying yes all of the time, and putting the needs of others above our own, it can be challenging to figure out any boundaries we’d like to set. A good first step is to tune in to our emotions. How we’re feeling at any given moment, or in reaction to others, can provide some great clues. When your friend tells you about another holiday party you’re invited to, how do you feel? If the answer is stressed, irritated, anxious, depressed or anything in between, it’s a good indication that you may need to say no or set a boundary – such as how long you will stay.

Another way to figure out your boundaries is to spend some time reflecting on what you value in life. Sounds cheesy, but what matters most to you? What fills your cup and makes you feel safe and relaxed? There are so many things that can provide us with this, including – quality time with a best friend or partner, our pets, traveling, religion/spirituality, time alone, art, mindful exercise, laughter, honesty – anything that helps you feel your best. Once you have your list, and everyone’s will be unique, consider how well you prioritize these values. If there are ones where you feel you are slacking, it may be that some boundaries need to be set in other areas to make room for what makes you your best self.

What about communicating these boundaries to others?

Gift wrapped in white paper with a gold ribbon. Give your future self a gift representing setting healthy boundaries in relationships even when it's hard. Consider talking with a Plymouth, MN therapist for couples therapy, online therapy in Minnesota, and more here.

Sure, it’s all fun and games with boundaries, until the time comes to communicate them to others. When we are not used to setting boundaries, it can feel mean or selfish to do so. However, boundaries do not have to be thought of as uncaring. In the words of Brene Brown, “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” Not being honest hinders our vulnerability and connection with others. It pushes us further away from those we love. So, no one truly wins when we do not set boundaries.

With that said, start by opening up the conversation when everyone is in a calm state. Use “I” statements to show how you are feeling and follow it up with what you need, such as “I feel very stressed right now and need some time to myself to decompress.” This ensures that the boundary is as clear as possible, and others know what you need from them. Consider this clear communication a gift you can give your loved ones, and yourself.

A final note about setting and maintaining healthy boundaries…

Boundaries are hard. As you work on setting them, give yourself grace, and start small. You don’t need to set all of the boundaries at once. Your boundaries can also be flexible and change. Just because you set one, doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind down the road. If you are still struggling to set boundaries, manage stress, or care for yourself during the busy holiday season, consider contacting a therapist. We are here to help! If you want to learn more about this or other wellness and/or relationship topics, therapy in Plymouth, MN can help. Getting started is simple!