Written by Eric Anfinson, LMFT, Radiant Living Therapist
The way we perceive the world around us has a major impact on how we feel about our lives. Generally, positive beliefs about the world have a good impact on your mental well-being while holding negative attitudes about the world can have a negative impact on your mental wellness. This is a straightforward concept that I think most people would agree with. What I want to do today, however, is look inward because the way we perceive ourselves impacts everything we do. It impacts how we feel about our successes and failures, what we think we’re capable of, and even who we think we deserve to date or build friendships with.
The Reversed Attribution Bias: A Modern Phenomenon We See in Therapy
There is a well-documented psychological phenomenon called the Fundamental Attribution Bias. This bias leads many to attribute others’ failings to their character while attributing their own failings to circumstances. For example, you failed the test because you’re not smart. I failed the test because my neighbor was making noise all night and I didn’t get any sleep beforehand. The reason I bring this up is that in today’s age of rising uncertainty and increased anxiety and depression, I see many clients’ perceptions of themselves pushing them to use the Fundamental Attribution Bias in reverse. They see all their own successes as circumstantial while all their own failures are a direct representation of them.
Findings by John Gottman, a leading marriage and family therapy researcher, have even shown that persistent negative beliefs like these can change our memories of the past to make it look worse than it was. So how do we identify these negative beliefs? Where do they come from? Most importantly, how do we transform them? Let’s take a look.
What’s Culture Got to Do With It?
Our culture is constantly sending messages that we need to do more and be more in order to feel satisfied and ok with ourselves. This constant cultural bombardment leads us to strive to do more, become more to be “enough” for ourselves. What’s more, with the competitive nature of our society we easily fall into comparing ourselves to our peers whom we perceive to be “better” than us in all sorts of ways. We work exponentially harder and faster, repeating the messages culture is telling us, that if we can just “get there”, “acquire this”, and “look like that” then we will finally be enough and give ourselves permission to love ourselves.
This is a commonplace where negative self-talk is born, and unless we received an outpouring of unconditional love and positive regard from caregivers and our surrounding communities growing up, it’s very easy to succumb to the cultural influences and over time acquire negative perception of self.
The ‘Not-Good-Enough’ Lens Trap
As we can see, you don’t need some major trauma to develop a negative self-perception. The most common negative self-perception I hear from clients isn’t some harsh hatred for self but simply, “I’m not good enough.” Most people don’t despise themselves, but “not good enough” can quietly tear away at your faith in yourself. Once you leave adolescence with a belief like this, you start perceiving the world through the ‘not good enough lens’. That reversed attribution bias comes in and starts confirming for you that you’re not good enough. You failed because that’s who you are. You’re not good enough. The problem here is that these beliefs are absolutely false.
We are all good enough. We all deserve love and support, to celebrate our successes, and to have pride in who we are.
The goal is to transform the ‘not-good-enough’ self-perception just enough to see ourselves as “good enough.” We don’t have to think we’re the coolest person to ever live, we just have to know that we’re good enough. So, let’s look at how we get there.
You are Good Enough!
There are two big ways to make this important shift. In my opinion, the first and best way is through therapy. As an EMDR trained therapist I’m also partial to Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) (check out our blogs on EMDR as well). This therapy is designed to help bring negative beliefs and traumas into the foreground in order to understand and heal from them. Therapy isn’t always easy to access though so let’s look at some ways you can challenge these negative beliefs on your own.
Name It to Tame It
The first step here is identifying what your core negative belief is. “I’m not good enough” is a very common one, but this might also sound like, “I’m a failure,” “I am powerless,” “I am undesirable,” or any other belief that tells you you’re inherently bad and unworthy. Very often for people, this negative belief will be something that they say to themselves quite frequently, other times it might come up when something goes wrong. Pay attention to your self-talk and you should be able to pick out that negative belief.
(Re)-Parenting Our Inner Child
The next step is working to catch yourself when this thought comes up. This can take some practice and mindfulness but if you can consistently catch yourself using negative self-talk you can start challenging these thoughts. I find it helpful to replace the negative belief with a positive one. Often, it’s easiest to go with the opposite of the negative belief. So instead of “I’m not good enough” try “I am good enough.” When we tell ourselves we are ‘good enough’ this doesn’t mean we’re denying the fact that we make mistakes or that we don’t have flaws, we’re just reminding ourselves of our inherent goodness and worthiness, which are common truths we share as human beings and belonging in the natural world.
The Inner Journey: Therapy can help!
As we work to actively challenge our negative self-talk at the moment, we also want to explore where these negative beliefs came from in the first place. As we get to know these negative beliefs and where they come from, we are able to identify less and less with them.
Furthermore, as an adult you now have an ability you lacked as a child: you get to decide your own value and give that value to yourself outside of the influence of your family of origin. Look at your accomplishments, past, and present. Then, see if you can identify your own positive traits that lead to those successes. Maybe you graduated college because you’re smart, or maybe because you’re a really hard worker and put in the work. Maybe you have an awesome partner because you’re awesome yourself. See if you can make a list of your own positive characteristics. Then, use them as supportive evidence at the moment when you challenge the negative beliefs.
Consider Therapy in Plymouth, MN or Online Therapy in Minnesota
This process isn’t easy and can take time, but we do have the ability to change our perceptions. And, you deserve it. If you’re ready to meet via online therapy in Minnesota, we can help! In fact, our Plymouth, MN-based specialist in men’s therapy, Eric, would love to help you. To get started, simply:
- Schedule a free, 30-minute consultation with Eric, or another expert therapist in Plymouth, MN
- Meet with a skilled and licensed therapist who is ready to help you.
- Change your perspective and change your life, with the support you need.
Other Counseling Services at Radiant Living Therapy
Our problems have many layers. Men’s therapy isn’t the only service we offer! We know these issues are complex so, we can help you at our Plymouth, MN counseling office, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Our professional therapists offer a variety of options for supporting your mental health needs. Our counseling services include individual counseling for anxiety or depression therapy, counseling for teens, marriage counseling and couples therapy, EMDR for trauma therapy, therapy for men, therapy for postpartum, and more. Radiant Living also offers more of these mental health services online. Let us help you live your best life, starting with online therapy.
Also, if you are a helping professional looking for help, or a therapist needing supervision or consultation services, we can help you, too. No matter the need, our therapists look forward to connecting with you!
