IFS: How Your Parts Impact Relationships

by Josalin Brausen, Masters Intern Therapist

Have you ever thought that you have different “parts” of yourself who each experience vastly different emotions? This is exactly what Dr. Richard Schwartz proposed in his theory, Internal Family Systems. In a nutshell, Internal Family Systems (IFS) is an approach to therapy that views the self, or the individual, as a system – made up of many parts that all relate to and impact one another. Each part has its own emotions, desires, abilities, and ways it approaches the world around them. Working with our different parts can provide us valuable insight into our inner world as well as provide a new view of our relationships with others. In this blog, through the lens of Internal Family Systems Theory, I will dive into our different parts, how they help and sometimes harm us, and the ways they may influence our relationships.

IFS Part 1: Exiles

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The first “part” I want to explore is Exiles. Exiles are parts that have experienced trauma or have been injured, harmed, exploited, rejected, or left behind. They often remain frozen in the time or the situation in which they were traumatized and feel a lot of shame for what they went through. They carry around an immense amount of emotional pain. Exiles may go to extreme lengths to receive even a small amount of care, love, and acceptance, to ease this emotional pain. They often look outside of themselves for this validation, which can place a lot of expectations and stress on our intimate relationships, when we expect our partner(s) to be everything we needed when we were younger, and to “heal” our Exiles. A major goal of IFS is to move from looking outside of oneself for healing and love to leading and caring for your own parts.

IFS Part 2: Managers

The next “part” that I want to talk about is Managers. This part is extremely protective and puts all its energy into attempting to control the environment around them to avoid triggering an Exile. A Manager can take many different forms, the thinker, being overly controlling, denial, pessimistic, perfectionistic, avoiding closeness, and many more. The main task of a Manager is to suppress or distract oneself from difficult emotions, or Exiles. When an Exile takes over or comes out, Managers worry that the individual will be unable to function in their daily life and may work to drive the individual to success and acceptance from others to distract from the hard feelings. However, Managers do not usually like this job. They find it stressful and do it because they feel like they have to. And though they are often viewed as negative, I find it more supportive to try and look at them compassionately. Managers do everything they can to try and help you adapt and function despite what you have gone through.

Within a relationship, Managers could keep you from getting close to your partner(s) as this part often views vulnerability as a weakness. This part could also lead the individual into constantly sacrificing oneself for the personal relationships on which they depend. Also, if a partner says or does something that triggers an Exile, it can lead to anger or a fight as the individual’s Manager attempts to protect and keep the Exile locked away rather than talking about the hurt.

Asian man and woman in marriage counseling or couples therapy in Plymouth, MN getting help for relationship concerns. IFS can help you find healing and connection again. Learn more from a skilled couples therapist here.

IFS Part 2: Firefighters

The last “part” I will discuss in this post is Firefighters. Sometimes, Exiles do escape, and emotions become activated or triggered. Since they are reacting to an Exile surfacing, the threat is much more imminent, and they take action as if an alarm has gone off. Firefighters have little to no regard for the individual’s body, relationships, or responsibilities. Most tactics this part uses involve numbing, dissociating, and self-soothing, by whatever means necessary. This can include substance use, binge eating, self-harm, sexual risk-taking, excessive shopping, sex addiction, porn addiction, etc. Firefighters make us feel out of control and can be subject to a lot of criticism from Managers, as they may accuse them of being selfish, weak-willed, or insensitive to others, when, in reality, they were just trying to cope. They can also be subject to a lot of criticism from our loved ones when they do not understand what is going on, and we may hurt them in the process. This hurt could then activate their Managers or Firefighters, leading to a vicious cycle.

Bringing it all together for Internal Family Systems: The Self

At the core of all these parts lies the Self. The Self is our genuine self, and through time and practice can come to lead all our parts into harmony. The Self has many positive traits including confidence, calmness, creativity, clarity, curiosity, courage, compassion, and connectedness. The overarching goal, within IFS, is to get to a place where the Self has control and can help your parts communicate what they need in less extreme, more productive ways. This takes a lot of patience and exploration but can come with great benefits.

If you want to explore your parts with your partner(s) and talk about how they may be impacting your relationship, it can be helpful to get to know your parts on your own first. You can do this through thoughtful reflection, journaling, talking through them with someone you trust, or working with a skilled couples therapist. Work on identifying your different parts, and what they do to meet their overarching goal.

Asian couple getting on a train looking happy into each others eyes. IFS therapy can help you find connection again with the help of a skilled couple therapist near Minneapolis, MN. Get online couples therapy or online marriage counseling in Minnesota here!

Ask your parts questions like:

What do they fear most?
What positive intent do they have for you?
What are they trying to protect you from?
Do they like your job?
What would happen if you asked them to take a step back?

Once you have a grasp on your own internal system, having a conversation with your partner(s) about what you have learned can be a powerful experience. Together you can talk about how your parts are interacting with each other, what each of you do that trigger each other’s parts, and how you can be more sensitive to both of your internal worlds and processes. It can be a great way to not only get to know yourself better but also enhance your emotional intimacy.