Written by Eric Anfinson, Radiant Living Therapist
There are many things in a relationship that can be hard to talk about, but money might just be one of the most avoided and difficult topics. Many couples struggle to bring up these topics, let alone make healthy forward progress with them. The trouble with this is that as partners in a relationship we need to be able to talk about these things because they both have the power to create immense joy or immense pain. It may not be the most romantic metaphor, but I like to think about a relationship like a car. You can buy a nice car and be happy with it for the first few months, but if you don’t take care of it, it’s not going to take long for that car to fall apart and stop working. Just like a car needs regular oil changes, tire rotations, new brakes, etc. Your relationship needs consistent work and maintenance to stay healthy and working so you get the mileage you want out of it. If we ignore the two major pieces of this car that are sex and money we’re in trouble. All it takes is one major part of the relationship having a serious problem for a car to stop working. As nice as it is, a Ferrari with no wheels isn’t going anywhere. So why are these topics so hard to talk about anyway?
Why are some topics so scary to talk about in my relationship?
One of the reasons these topics are so challenging is money that is one of “The Big Five.” These are five topics that have the power to make or break a relationship. “The Big Five” are so powerful because each one is connected to core personal values that are deep-seated, and typically, unchanging. This is so important because each of us holds the beliefs and values we do because we believe they are the correct values to have. Normally this isn’t a huge issue with a partner, and on many things, we can agree to disagree and that’s ok. But when someone holds a different belief or value than we do on something so core to our identity, it feels like an attack on our character. Simply holding a belief different than ours can feel like telling us our way of seeing things is wrong. It can make talking about these topics feel like walking a tightrope: Trying to not get defensive yourself while also trying not to put your partner on the defensive.
Define your values around money
In order to have a productive conversation with your partner about money, you need to first know what your values around money are and where they come from.
For example: Let’s say one partner believes money=security. So, they save every penny I can and don’t do frivolous things like buying nice gifts, go out, or take vacations. This may have come from a childhood of always struggling to have money and they don’t want to go back to that feeling of never having enough.
Now let’s say the other partner believes that money= freedom and experiences. So, they spend their money to be free, have experiences, and go on trips. This may come from a family that really valued experiences together and made it a large priority. This in turn made them want to instill this value into their own family.
Neither of them are wrong, and there’s no “right” way to view money. But this difference in values may lead me to see her as childish, frivolous, and irresponsible. While she is seeing me as boring, miserly, and fearful. This could be a huge problem in our relationship, and a difficult one to overcome if we don’t talk about it.
Mo’ Money Mo’ Problems:
As I said above, the key thing to understand when it comes to talking about money with your partner is to understand the core values involved. This means knowing clearly what money means to you and what it means to your partner. This is a fantastic thing to learn about early in a relationship and can be an easy conversation of “What does money mean to you?” Money isn’t about what your paychecks look like or how much you’ve got in the bank, although these things can influence our values. There are no wrong answers here, it’s simply about knowing who you are and what your values are. Once you’ve identified what each person’s values around money you use those values as the groundwork for discussion. To continue my example from above I might say something to my partner that sounds something like: “I love your zest for life and that you push me to go on trips and have new experiences, and I also feel that the amount of money you’re wanting us to spend on these things is threatening my ability to feel safe and secure with my life. I don’t want you to think I’m boring, can we work out a budget where both our needs are being met?” Using our values as a way to guide the conversation helps you both understand each other from a deeper perspective than simply what you want to spend your money on.
Start Online Couples Therapy in Minnesota
We would love to help you take a proactive approach to your relationship. In fact, we offer online counseling in Minnesota, no matter where you are in the state. We can provide high-quality telehealth services for you and your family! To get started, simply:
- Schedule a free, 30-minute consultation to talk about online therapy
- Meet with a skilled and licensed online therapist
- Begin your life together on solid ground, from the safety of your home
Other Counseling Services at Radiant Living Therapy
Our problems have many layers. We know these issues are complex so, we are here for you at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Our professional therapists offer a variety of options for supporting your mental health needs. Our counseling services include individual counseling for anxiety or depression therapy, counseling for teens, marriage counseling and couples therapy, EMDR for trauma therapy, counseling for men, therapy for infertility, and more. Most of these services can also be offered online. Let us help you live your best life, starting with online therapy.
If you are a helping professional looking for help, or a therapist needing supervision or consultation services, we can help you, too. No matter the need, our therapists look forward to connecting with you!
