Body Image & Sexual Functioning: How You See Yourself Matters!

by Josalin Brausen, Masters Intern Therapist

Most people have something they do not like about their bodies. One study that took a sample of middle-aged women found that 70% of participants reported a desire to be thinner. Another study found that 43% of men were dissatisfied with their overall appearance. We are constantly flooded with images of the perfect body, diets to lose weight, exercise regimens, lack of inclusive sizing for clothing, and so much more that tells us we are not good enough if we do not look a certain way. All of this pressure and societal messages we receive can lead to a negative body image, or dissatisfaction with our bodies, when we do not fit into that impossible standard. So, is it even a big deal if it happens to everyone? Yes! Having a negative body image can affect us in so many ways – our social life, mental health, physical health, and more become affected by this mindset. However, what I am here to talk about today is how it affects your sex life.

The Negative Effects

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Often what happens when we don’t feel confident, don’t like the way our body looks, or worry about how others see us is we avoid any kind of physical intimacy. While trying to engage in sexual activity with our partner(s), those with body image concerns may be overwhelmed with anxiety about what the other person is thinking, what they look like in various positions, assuming they are unattractive, or any number of other negative thoughts. This leads to struggling to relax, stay in the moment, and enjoy the experience, which in turn can cause difficulties with orgasm or erection or even pain with sex. Once we have a few of those less-than-enjoyable sexual experiences, we begin to avoid intimacy altogether, not wanting to engage in sex that is not pleasurable. Over time, many may come to believe they just have a low libido or simply don’t desire sex, however, that may not be the root of the issue. If you miss your sex life, you are not alone! You deserve a satisfying sex life if you want one, and it is achievable, even while struggling with loving your body. Let’s dive into some ways you can work on it.

Body Neutrality – Easier than Body Positivity

I hear you, going from hating your body to loving it feels like a big jump. Pushing yourself to feel something that you simply do not can be impossible. The middle ground may be the concept of body neutrality. Body neutrality is based on the idea that we can have acceptance and respect for our body without loving it. It poses that your value and happiness are not related to what your body looks like. It aims to prioritize what our body can do for us, rather than what it looks like. So, I encourage you to get out a pen and some paper, or your phone, and make a list. What do you appreciate that your body DOES for you? Does it allow you to partake in the exercise you enjoy? Walk your dog? Swim in the ocean? Eat and taste your favorite foods? Breathes? Has an immune system that keeps us from getting sick? Orgasm? Our bodies do so much for us that often go unrecognized. So recognize it. Thank your body. And over time see if this shifts your perspective.

Practice Mindfulness

You may be tired of hearing the term mindfulness, and may immediately picture traditional meditation. Sure, that is one way to practice mindfulness and improve the skill, however, it is not the only way. Getting good at staying in the present moment and grounding into the many sensations we experience from moment to moment can happen in a lot of different ways. It also can dramatically change your sex life. Worrying about how we look, what our partner is thinking, our long to-do list, or a variety of other things are common thoughts that can pop up during sexual activity. The antidote is mindfulness and grounding in the present moment. It can be helpful to practice mindfulness outside of sexual activity first.

Some ways to practice mindfulness include:

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Take a mindful walk. Notice everything you can hear, smell, the little details.
Take a mindful bath. Set the scene…turn down the lights, light a candle, add in some good-smelling soap, and slowly get in. How does the water feel against your skin? How does the soap feel? What do you smell?
Try mindful eating. Slow down the next time you eat. Look at your food, what do you notice? Smell it. Hold it up to your lips. Take a small bite and notice how it feels against your tongue, what you taste, etc.
Use a meditation app – new to meditating? Try one of the many apps that are available to provide you with short guided meditations. Two of my favorites are Insight Timer and Headspace.

Mindful Sex

Once you have a grasp on mindfulness in general, you can incorporate it into sexual activity. A great place to start can be through mindful masturbation. Set the scene first. Ground into a private and cozy space. Light a candle. Get the lighting how you like it. Have all of your tools nearby including lube or any sex toys you would like to use, and then get curious! Don’t have the only goal be an orgasm. Instead, make your goal exploration. Move your hands slowly around your body and notice what you feel. Then incorporate your genitals and try different pressures and speeds of touch. Try using your non-dominant hand. Anything to get you out of your head and into the present moment. If a thought comes up, like a negative thought about your body or other things you could be doing, notice it, and then let it go and re-ground yourself into the present moment. Make sure you’re breathing deeply. Relax all of your muscles. All of this can then be applied to partnered sex. The main goal is to focus on what your body is FEELING and experiencing pleasure, rather than focusing on what it looks like.

Woman looking at man sleeping longingly. Body image affects sexual confidence and relationships. Get help from a Plymouth, MN sex therapist via online sex therapy in Minnesota here.

Consider Talking with a Minnesota Therapist

The biggest takeaway I want you to have from this is that you deserve a satisfying sex life and a peaceful relationship with your body. It is not always easy to achieve, but it is SO worth it in the end. You got this! If you want to learn more about this or other wellness and/or relationship topics, therapy in Plymouth, MN can help. Getting started is simple!