A Couples Therapist Reconsiders Valentine’s Day: How to Use this Day as a Relationship Opportunity

by Isabel Meyer-Mueller, Masters Intern Therapist

Valentine’s Day can be a fantastic opportunity to express love, affection, and gratitude for your partner; however, it can also be a fraught time full of miscommunications, misaligned values, and unfulfilled expectations. This blog post will give you actionable ways for you to use Valentine’s Day to enhance your relationship and explain common traps that couples fall into around V-Day celebrations. Before we get into it, let’s go over the history of this Hallmark holiday. You might be surprised to learn that it hasn’t always been a sweet day.

Valentine’s Day Hasn’t Always Been Candies and Flowers

Flowers (red and white roses) and chocolates on the countertop for Valentines Day. Couples therapists in Plymouth, MN can help you find true connection and meaning in your relationship. Marriage Counseling in Minneapolis, MN and online therapy in Minnesota can help you thrive!

Today, Valentine’s Day is synonymous with love, romance, and thoughtful gift-giving, but that hasn’t always been the case. This holiday dates all the way back to ancient Rome when between February 13th and 15th Romans would celebrate the feast of Lupercalia.

To celebrate, men would sacrifice animals such as goats and dogs and then whip women with the animal’s hides, which they believed made women more fertile. These celebrations were notorious for naked binge drinking and lottery matchmaking, where men would pick women’s names from a jar and be coupled up for the rest of the celebration. The name of this modern holiday came after Emperor Claudius II executed two men named Valentine on February 14th, during the feast of Lupercalia. The Catholic Church honored these martyrs each consecutive year with the celebration of St. Valentine’s Day.

It is hard to imagine exactly how Valentine’s Day went from savage celebrations of violence against women to today’s observance. Valentine’s Day has been turned into a business of overpriced flowers and prix fixe dinner menus. While I am glad to see that celebrations no longer include violence, I would argue that modern-day celebrations still miss the mark.

Valentine’s Day: A Huge Source of Upset

According to Forbes, in 2022 Americans spent $23.9 billion on Valentine’s Day, which was up from $21.8 billion in 2021. Forbes also reports that couples spent an average of $175.41 per person on Valentine’s Day gifts. Valentine’s Day may be good for the economy, with high consumer spending, but is it good for relationships? This overemphasis on high-priced items and material goods has bred high expectations and competition over who can give the “best” and often the most expensive gifts. This way of celebrating is not accessible to all couples and may create animosity in relationships where significant spending is not an option. Fighting on Valentine’s Day is incredibly common, but because of societal expectations, there can be large amounts of shame for couples that are experiencing anything but love on February 14th. Maybe we have the right idea in elementary school when children spend time writing and
decorating handmade cards with thought and care and then hand-delivering them to each person in their class.

It also feels important to note the heteronormativity in modern Valentine’s Day celebrations. There is often not a lot of room for LGBTQIA+ relationships and platonic relationships on this day that should be inclusive of all love.

Red roses on countertop. Valentines Day tips for true connection from a couples therapist in the Twin Cities and online marriage counseling in Minnesota.

How to Celebrate Valentine’s Day and Honor Your Relationship the Right Way

1. Show your partner that you know what is important to them.

Do you know how your partner likes to receive love? Is their love language acts of service, quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, or gift-giving? This Valentine’s Day you can show that you understand what your partner wants by cleaning the house (acts of service), setting aside time for a game night (quality time), organizing a sensual massage night (physical touch), writing a heartfelt card (words of affirmation), or spending time picking out a gift that your partner has had their eye on (gift-giving). Regardless of how you do it, Valentine’s Day can be an opportunity to show that you love and appreciate your partner without spending too much money.

2. Express gratitude for your partner.

It has been well-documented that showing gratitude for your partner strengthens romantic relationships and increases relationship satisfaction. Valentine’s Day can be a time on your calendar to reflect and share gratitude with your partner. A gratitude practice can be an opportunity to focus on some of the best parts of your relationship and show your partner that you see that. Getting in touch with those positive emotions has been associated with increasing levels of pride, hope, and contentment in relationships.

3. Do not compare your relationship to others.

You don’t have to look far to find other peoples’ relationships plastered on social media. I know that I have seen countless photos of social media influencers being gifted huge bouquets of roses and diamond tennis bracelets from their seemingly doting partner. This may give the illusion that their relationship is flawless, but don’t believe the hype. Social media is a highlight reel and does not always give insight into the reality of a situation. Every relationship is in its own lane, and while it can be challenging to not be influenced by the way that other couples are celebrating, I highly encourage you to chart your own path. Try sitting down with your partner and thinking about your values and how you can celebrate Valentine’s Day according to those ideas. It might not look like a Hallmark movie, but it will be authentic to you.

Man and woman sitting in couples therapy holding hands. A skilled couples therapist in Minnesota can help with online marriage counseling in Minneapolis, MN and beyond. Plymouth, MN couples therapists can help you feel more connected to your partner today.

An Online Couples Therapist in Minnesota Can Help Your Relationship

Couples therapy with a skilled marriage and family therapist based in Plymouth, MN can help you anywhere you are in the state of Minnesota. By next Valentine’s Day, you can have the supportive, loving relationship you know you are capable of. Feel more confident in the steps you need to truly help your relationship thrive.

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