Top 3 Questions I Get As A Couples Therapist

By Amanda Holmberg, MS LMFT, Radiant Living Therapist & Owner

How Can We Get Our Spark Back in Our Marriage?

This question usually comes from people who’ve been married or partnered for at least a few years. First, let me tell you that it’s very normal for marital satisfaction and intimacy to change over time. Research tells us that marital satisfaction is at its highest when you first get married. When you start to have children and they are preschool-aged it drops significantly. It then goes up when they are school-aged, and then drops again when they are teens. But no worry, it goes up again when they leave the house.

A couple lying in bed with no motivation to be intimate thinking about seeing a sex therapist in Plymouth, MN. Learn more about marriage counseling in Minnesota to bring spark back into your relationship.

As a marriage therapist in Plymouth, MN, I often tell my clients with young children and teens that they are in the thick of it, the hardest time in your relationship. But, it will get better!

So back to the question- how can couples get their spark back?

First – try not to focus too much on getting it back to exactly the way it was when you first met or in the first couple years of your relationship. New relationship energy is tough to match – and you will likely frustrate yourself trying. Instead, recognize the stage you are in, and act accordingly. If you are in the young children stage, make getting a regular babysitter your top priority. You need time alone with your spouse.

Beautiful couple sitting on lawn in city park having romantic picnic after leaving couples therapy in Plymouth, MN. Start marriage counseling with a couples therapist near Minneapolis, MN.

If you have teens, start to recognize that they are becoming independent humans and it’s okay to do things on your own as a couple. They will likely welcome you leaving them alone in the house while you go on a date!

The main idea here is to be intentional about time with your spouse. I recommend a weekly date night that’s easy to plan like a dinner, walk, or even grocery shopping alone! And then plan a more “special” date once a month like a concert, long weekend trip, sporting event, etc.

My partner and I can’t agree on how often we should be having sex, is this normal?

This is the number one thing I hear as a sex therapist during couples counseling in Plymouth, MN. First, I want everyone to know that just because one person in the relationship wants to have sex more than the other does not mean there is anything wrong with either person. We are quick to label something like this “low desire”. We need to be careful that we aren’t using the higher desire partner’s level of desire as the benchmark. One person may want to have sex 3 times per week and the other 1 time per week. Both are normal!

Just because something is normal doesn’t necessarily mean we don’t still want to work on it. That is just fine. One concept to be aware of here is spontaneous vs responsive desire. Some folks struggle to think about being sexual unless they are experiencing spontaneous desire (a desire that comes out of the blue without much of a catalyst). Instead, we need to learn to cultivate responsive desire (a desire that we cultivate, that we are trying to intentionally make happen). Cultivating responsive desire is going to look different depending on what types of things help you feel amorous. Examples are: going out on a date, wearing something you feel sexy in, taking a relaxing bath before lovemaking, sexy talk, and so much more. To help you think about this further for yourself, think about the last time you didn’t really feel much motivation to have sex but you tried to get yourself in the mood. Or something randomly got you in the mood that you weren’t expecting. What was it? Learn more from our sex therapist in Plymouth, MN.

How can we learn to communicate better?

Couple communicating through their challenges suggested by the marriage therapist in Plymouth, MN. Get couples therapy via online therapy in Minnesota here!

Communication can be so hard in romantic relationships! We either avoid conflict, get too escalated when we have conflict, or just can’t communicate about certain topics.

Our family of origin plays a lot into our communication styles. Were your parents yellers? Didn’t talk about their feelings? Neglected your feelings? Think about how communication went with your family growing up and how that impacts your style now. Insight into this can help you with change. Learn more from our marriage therapist in Plymouth, MN.

3 more tips from a couples therapist to communicate better.

According to John Gottman, marriage researcher, and expert, we should keep a 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negatives. This means that for every one negative thing you say to your spouse you should say 5 positive things. Try to keep track of this. Are you finding what you say is mostly positive or negative? When we tend toward more negative comments to our partner it makes communication that much harder.
Communicate proactively instead of reactively. Talk about problems when they are small, instead of when they get so bad that you one day lash out at your partner. Do this by checking in daily with your partner. I recommend the rose, bud, and thorn exercise. The rose is something in your day that went well, the thorn is something in your day that went badly, and the bud is something you’re looking forward to. Beyond that, I also recommend a weekly check-in on the state of your relationship or checking- in weekly with your couples therapist. Things that are going well, things that need improvement.
Listen with the intent to understand instead of listening with the intent to reply. Often when we are in a heated conversation with our partner (or even not heated sometimes) we are listening to what they say but only to the extent that we are getting ready to say how what they are saying impacts us. This does not help your partner feel understood. Instead, listen first with the intent to understand them. This means repeating back what they said, validating their feelings, and only then offering up how it makes you feel.