Written by Eric, Radiant Living Therapist
The Love Languages, created by Gary Chapman, are a wonderful way to enhance your connection with your partner. For those of you who are unfamiliar with them, these 5 “languages” encompass different ways that each of us both give and receive love. In this blog, we’ll review the basics and then look at ways to get the most bang for your buck out of this tool by re-thinking how the love languages work.
The 5 Love Languages for Couples
Words of Affirmation
This love language means using words to show love. This means saying or hearing things like “I love you,” “I appreciate you,” or “You’re so good at that.”
Acts of Service
This language is all about doing things for your partner or having them done for you. This could be vacuuming, driving the kids to school, or cooking a nice meal. It’s about showing your love.
Gifts
Giving or receiving gifts as a love language is all about showing that you know your partner well and are thinking about them when you’re not together. It really is the thought that counts here. This could be as simple as buying your partner a chocolate bar on the way home because you know their favorite chocolate and they’re having a bad day. Gifts are not about spending big bucks to prove your love.
Quality Time
This one is just what it sounds like: spending positive meaningful time together. It is important to note that most people don’t see all time together counting as quality time. That being said it’s unique to each person. One couple might think doing dishes together is great quality time, while another couple might laugh at that idea.
Physical Touch
Touch can be anything from holding hands, to a kiss, to sex. Some people get lost in thinking this love language is purely sexual but there is so much more to this language.
So How Do The 5 Love Languages for Couples Work?
The first way to rethink the languages is to look at them essentially as machines that translate actions into feelings of love and connection. Each language has what I would call an energy efficiency coefficient. What this means is that when you put 100% effort into a language to do something for your partner, how much of that effort actually translates to them feeling loved? If your partner really likes Acts of Service and you put your energy there, you might get anywhere from 80-100% translation, which is awesome. I see so many couples come to my office frustrated, feeling like they put so much effort into showing one another love, but neither one feels loved. This is because they are putting their energy into languages that have a low-efficiency coefficient and are only getting a 10-25% return on their efforts. Which languages fit for us is deeply ingrained. This means it’s very important to note that it is our job to show our partners love through languages that have a high coefficient for them, not just use what works for us. Likewise, it is our partner’s job to show us love through a language that works well for us.
We’re All Multilingual
One of the biggest issues I have with how the love languages are taught is that people are often told to identify their love language, as in singular language. If the languages all have different energy efficiency coefficients for an individual, then it follows that they can speak several quite well. Personally, I’d say that Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, and Quality Time are all above 80% efficiency for me. (I enjoy the occasional gift as well!) If my partner thought they could only use one of these languages to show me love, things would get stale pretty fast. Working with a couples or marriage therapist can be a great way to help you identify what languages work for you and your partner, how efficient they are, and how to speak them. This brings us to our next advanced skills points.
They Really are Complete Languages
Each one of the love languages has the capacity to communicate a million different things. As an example, let’s take a look at a kiss, a single act of Physical Touch. A kiss can say “Good morning” or “I love you” or “I want to jump your bones, like right now.” A single kiss can say a thousand different things. If you’re looking for your partner to say “I love you” with a kiss and their kisses are saying “Hey,” then it’s your job to let them know. Even more importantly, it’s your job to teach them to speak your personal dialect of the physical touch language. To stay with the example you might say, “Your kisses feel like pecks that say ‘Hey.’ To say “I love you” I need a little bit of open mouth.” Take the time to think not only about what languages you speak, but how you speak them.
Love Isn’t One Note
The ancient Greeks identified 7 different types of love that we can feel. Everything from self-love, to family love, to sexual love. When working with couples I like to focus on Companionate Love and Sexual Love. I think both are extremely important for the overall health of a relationship. Identifying the two as separate can do a lot to make sure you’re getting your needs met across the board.
If we go back to the example of a kiss, it’s easy to see how a kiss could communicate both companionate and sexual love. If we don’t separate them, things can get confusing. In fact, I’ve seen plenty of couples where one partner won’t even touch the other person for fear that the physical touch will be interpreted as sexual, and then there’s pressure for sex. If the couple can let a kiss say “I’m happy we’re together,” then they reopen an entire world of physical connection. Here you can think about how you would want to feel loved and how you could show love in both of these ways. Physical Touch is an obvious one, but not everyone speaks it. If your partner isn’t responding, maybe you’re speaking the wrong language.
Implementing New Skills
Learning the love languages as a new skill or even using this information to improve your understanding can be tough. There’s a lot of new information to keep track of and plenty of challenges in making this a reality. A therapist can help you stay on track, help you get past roadblocks, and really deeply understand yourself and your partner so your relationship can meet its absolute high potential. You don’t have to be on the brink of breaking up to come in! Investing in your relationship before things get hard can do a lot to ensure they never get so hard that the relationship comes to an end. Enjoy these new skills and good luck!
Start Online Couples Therapy in Minnesota
We would love to help you take a proactive approach to your relationship. In fact, we offer online counseling in Minnesota, no matter where you are in the state. We can provide high-quality telehealth services for you and your family! To get started, simply:
- Schedule a free, 30-minute consultation to talk about online therapy
- Meet with a skilled and licensed online therapist
- Begin your life together on solid ground, from the safety of your home
Other Counseling Services at Radiant Living Therapy
Our problems have many layers. We know these issues are complex so, we are here for you at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Our professional therapists offer a variety of options for supporting your mental health needs. Our counseling services include individual counseling for anxiety or depression therapy, counseling for teens, marriage counseling and couples therapy, EMDR for trauma therapy, counseling for men, therapy for infertility, and more. Most of these services can also be offered online. Let us help you live your best life, starting with online therapy.
If you are a helping professional looking for help, or a therapist needing supervision or consultation services, we can help you, too. No matter the need, our therapists look forward to connecting with you!
Read more from the Radiant blog:
- Unload The Mental Load: Tips from a Twin Cities Therapist
- The Way You See Yourself Matters: Body Image and Sexual Functioning
- Attached at the Hip: How Attachment Styles Affect Our Adult Relationships
- New Year New Us: Relationship Resolutions
- Setting Boundaries: The Holiday Edition
- A Beginner’s Guide to Sex Toys
