Written by Eric Anfinson, Radiant Living Therapist
Toxic masculinity is a buzzword we see thrown a lot in the ever-evolving landscape of our culture. Like with many new ideas, this one is experiencing some kickback. As a man myself I’d like to take a look at this concept and hopefully explain both why there is some kickback to this idea, and why I believe toxic masculinity to be a very real and very serious problem.
Why do we fight?
All of us have little structure in our brain called the amygdala. Its job is to assess if something is a threat, and then tell us to fight, flee, or freeze. The problem with the amygdala is that it’s not very smart. It can’t tell the difference between a lion, and some hurtful words someone wrote on the internet. Both of these things create this fight, flight, or freeze response. So when many men hear the negative phrase toxic masculinity, their amygdala says “Hey! I’m a man! I’m not toxic, how dare you attack me. Now I’m going to fight back” and this is the end of rational discussion on the topic until we can take back control from the amygdala. Toxic masculinity is an attack, but many men are incorrectly identifying themselves as the victim.
In the crosshairs of toxic masculinity
When we fight systemic issues like racism, homophobia, or toxic masculinity, people who are not in the oppressed group often assume that they are the ones being targeted. The truth is that it’s the issues we’re targeting, not the people. White people aren’t the problem, racism is. Straight people aren’t the problem, homophobia is. In the case of toxic masculinity, it’s not men or masculinity that are the problem. The problem is that there are pieces of masculinity that have been twisted so much that they’re hurting men and the people around them. Somehow, with all the power of the patriarchy, we screwed ourselves over.
As a therapist for men, I get to see the face of toxic masculinity every day. I see it when I look in the mirror, I see it when I work with my clients, I see it when I look out my window. Every man in this country has been raised in a culture where we are taught unhealthy things about what it means to be a man, and we have to fight to unlearn these things before they destroy us, our relationships, or our lives. I think many guys see toxic masculinity as that one hyper-masculine jerk with every toxic trait possible. The truth is that we all have some of these traits. It might just be one, or it might show up in an unobtrusive way, but accepting that good men can have toxically masculine traits is necessary for us to identify them and work to do better.
What does toxic masculinity look like?
As I said above, toxic masculinity shows up when healthy and positive ideas about masculinity are taken, and corrupted into a sick caricature of themselves. Let’s start with a simple one. Men are tough. I have seen this idea push men to be mean, to shut down their emotions, to lie about how they are feeling, to let themselves be abused, all because men are tough.
Toughness is not necessarily a bad trait.
The problem is that what we’re taught tough means is horribly twisted. Real toughness is facing your emotions. Dealing with the pain and discomfort of hurtful feelings. And, having the strength to cry. Toughness is knowing you’re strong enough to take responsibility for your actions and knowing you can handle the consequences. Somehow we turned toughness into cowardice. Shutting down all of your feelings is running away. Crying takes way more strength than shoving feelings down. This trait might be described as tough, stoic, hard, or unemotional. This is hurtful to men because, contrary to popular belief, men do have emotions. When we shove them down because “it’s not manly” we’re lying to ourselves and others. We’re stopping ourselves from feeling our feelings and being able to share them with others.
How toxic masculinity hurts our relationships
Let’s use our next example to look at how a toxic masculinity trait can damage a relationship. This trait is -men are supposed to be dominant and in control. This is another trait that when taken in a healthy way can be great.
A man who has a grip on the situation at hand and feels comfortable handling problems or conflict is good. That guy works to keep people safe, de-escalates conflict, and works from a place of calm assuredness. Most importantly he’s ok with other people stepping into that role too. His goal is that the situation is handled, not that he’s the one handling it. It’s pretty clear that this message of “be in control” gets twisted very easily, and very negatively. The toxic version of this trait looks like the guy who has to be in control. The one who escalates conflict to feel he has control and will threaten or even attack others to feel he is asserting dominance.
A 2018 Australian study of men ages 18-30 found that over a quarter of them believed that they had the right to the last word in any argument. And, over a third believed that they had the right to know where their female partner is at all times. Obviously, these traits don’t work out so well in a relationship. A relationship needs a healthy balance of power, and for both partners to feel equal. The difference here is being comfortable with controlling a situation and needing to control everything.
Detox from toxic masculinity
The most important point I can make when it comes to toxic masculinity is that we’ve all got it. Even women are cultured to believe men should act a certain way. And, sometimes even shun men who aren’t embracing “masculinity”. By acknowledging that this is a sickness that we’re all suffering from, we can all do better. Knowing that even good men can have some of these traits, we allow ourselves to face them. In facing the darker parts of ourselves we have the opportunity to grow and become better.
We have the opportunity to redefine what a man is. Defined in a healthy way that benefits men and those around them. This doesn’t mean giving up masculinity. It means healing the damage that has been done to what that word should mean. Having some or all of these traits isn’t something to be ashamed of. Instead, it’s about choosing not to grow and be better that perpetuates this problem. So remember, you’re not being attacked. This is something to talk about and face together. I think taking responsibility for who you are is a hallmark of being a real man. So, let’s decide for ourselves who we are.
Whatever you are feeling or struggling with right now know that it is valid. Everyone is going to have a different, yet the ubiquitous experience of this crisis. Honor that experience every day. Tell yourself “I am allowed to feel what I need to feel during this time”. If the anxiety or stress gets to be too much, please reach out to a friend, family member, or possibly a therapist.
Learn more about Eric, the author and therapist for Radiant Living, right here!
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