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by James Chadwick, MSW, LICSW, Radiant Living Therapist

Let’s face it: dating isn’t what it used to be! And maybe that’s not the worst thing in the world. The emergence of the Internet and wireless/digital technology has facilitated connections undreamed of even forty years ago. Yet, as clinician Esther Perel deftly points out in her book “State of Affairs,” this plethora of potential mate options can be almost paralyzing. With so many choices, coupled with the promise of “The One,” it’s all too easy to dismiss a decent or even great “match” over the prospect of “something even better just around the corner” (think “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush” but more in reverse).

What’s Your Approach to Dating?

Maybe Dating Excites You

Maybe (if you’re lucky!) dating excites you. The possibility of getting to know a soul mate or soul mates over time, meeting people that will push you and help you to grow in new ways, or sharing in life’s inevitable ups and downs together. Basic attachment theory proposes that many, if not most people, yearn for such connections, ones that merge all the best elements of independence and interdependence fluidly. It can take years to build these secure attachment bases (and sadly only a few moments to compromise them) yet it’s a process that many look forward to with hope and warmth.  

Maybe Dating Terrifies You

Maybe dating horrifies or terrifies you. All the pretense, small talk, and posturing (generally known as “impression management” in the field of psychology) can be both a source of pressure and frustration. Dating horror stories abound, and for every gooey romantic comedy there seem to be as many vignettes of love gone amiss if not wrong altogether. You’ve been rejected, maybe even burned, before. This might be a sign to hold off on dating, but it could also be a challenge to reframe some negative thinking about yourself and others – these “crises” can often transform into “turning points” with some openness and effort through online therapy in Minnesota.  

Or Maybe Both

Maybe you’re somewhere in the middle, marked by some ambivalence. Two pieces of conventional wisdom (that might frustrate you further!) are as follows: love yourself first, and let it happen. It’s somewhat unlikely that any of us will reach “unconditional self-love no matter what” in advance of meeting a partner(s). But maybe RuPaul said it best: “If I can’t love myself, how the hell am I going to love somebody else?”. Investing thoughtful time into your relationship with yourself can and often does have crucial dividends when entering into romantic relationships. 

Where Do I Start?

So you’re ready to date! Now what? I would argue that there are (almost) as many valid approaches to dating as there are people in the world, so these thoughts are meant to be taken as such: an individual perspective based on observation and even experience. If you prefer to meet partners “more organically,” you might consider signing up for some sort of special interest group (e.g. a book club, sports league, other special interest groups, etc.). While some groups, depending on their format and membership, might have guidelines or outright rules discouraging dating.

This could be overwhelming for an individual and they might seek anxiety counseling in Plymouth, MN. But a good number of people meet partners through such organizations. What’s more, you are likely to expand your social circle through participation in such groups. Not surprisingly, friendships are great resources for honing relationship skills applicable in a variety of contexts, and people with rich social lives often fare better and can be viewed as “more desirable” partners than those with highly sparse or dysfunctional social circles. 

Get Help From a Friend

Some people “enlist” their friends to play matchmaker; while this approach certainly has plenty of strengths and merits, it can place strains and even resentments on more tenuous friendships. It can also be a bit dubious to date within your immediate social circle, but again, that’s just my perspective. You may also consider online couples counseling in Minnesota to ease uncertainty within the relationship. On the other hand, your friends know you well, at least in theory, likely have your best interests at heart, and might even be aware of your blind spots, helping you avoid red flags and ultimately find compatible partners. 

Try Online Dating or Relationship Counseling

This blog would hardly be complete without the mention of online dating. While not everyone’s cup of tea, online dating can be an invaluable dating resource, particularly in communities with limited partner options. Safety is critical in any dating context and some platforms like Tinder offer add-on services (e.g. “Noonlight”) to promote safety while dating. It’s usually not a bad idea to meet publicly, especially in a first meeting, and keep someone trusted current regarding your comings and goings. Try to represent yourself digitally as honestly as you can; hardly anyone likes being “catfished.” That said, impression management (see above) is a real thing and many people report success with gradually becoming blunter and more vulnerable over time as the relationship and rapport progress. 

As alluded to above, it can be a great help to gain insights from your peers and loved ones about potential dating selections, and working with a couples therapist in Plymouth, MN as an objective third party can help you hone your dating criteria and advance toward your dating goals, all while strengthening the love you have for yourself. We are here to help!

*This is the first in a series of upcoming blogs about dating and relationships – stay tuned!     

Perel, E. (2019). The state of affairs: Rethinking infidelity. Yellow Kite. 

Ready to Start Relationship Counseling in the Minneapolis, MN area?

Getting relationship counseling in our Plymouth, MN counseling office with skilled therapists is easy. Our relationship & marriage therapists can help you work on any relationship, whether it’s with yourself or a partner. Begin relationship counseling with these simple steps:

1. Schedule a free consultation to talk about relationship counseling
2. Meet with a caring marriage and family therapist
3. Begin your journey to finding the right person for you.

Other Counseling Services at Radiant Living Therapy

Relationships can be difficult to start and maintain. At Radiant Living Therapy we understand what you’re going through, and provide skilled couples therapy to address your needs. Also, the therapists at our Plymouth, MN counseling office, offer other mental health services such as anxiety and depression counseling, teen therapy, EMDR for trauma therapy. Other services include counseling for men. Let us help you live your best life!

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Read more from the Radiant Blog:

• 
  Unload The Mental Load: Tips from a Twin Cities Therapist
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  The Way You See Yourself Matters: Body Image and Sexual Functioning
• 
  Attached at the Hip: How Attachment Styles Affect Our Adult Relationships
• 
  New Year New Us: Relationship Resolutions
• 
  Setting Boundaries: The Holiday Edition
• 
  A Beginner’s Guide to Sex Toys