Unload the Mental Load | Couples Therapist

By Emily Anderson, Master’s Level Intern

What Is the Mental Load and Who Feels It?

First of all, what is the mental load? You’ve probably heard that phrase thrown around a lot in popular shows, movies, and social media, but what does it really mean? The mental load is a term for the thinking work or invisible labor that is involved in managing a family, a relationship, or a household. It is the behind-the-scenes work to make sure the chores, events, or schedules get done on time and how they’re supposed to. Think of it as the stage director of a play. They manage the timing and placement of everything so that the actors can go out and complete the tasks they have.

Woman's head with words representing all of the household and family tasks she has to consider in order to keep things moving forward. Therapy for burnout, stress, and overwhelm in Plymouth, MN can help. Consider meeting with a twin cities marriage and family therapist here.

In general, the mental load, also known as worry work, typically falls onto the shoulders, or brains, of the female in the group or relationship. They are the stage director making sure that all of the actors, or other members of the family/relationship, have what they need behind the scenes to complete their tasks. For example, this includes delegating tasks, remembering what needs to get done and when, overseeing the to-do list as it constantly builds, and making sure all of these tasks actually get completed how they’re supposed to. This stress and cognitive load can increase the strain on individuals’ well-being as well as lower relationship satisfaction. It causes people to feel overwhelmed, exhausted, and burnt out.

Well, Why Didn’t You Ask For Help?

If you’ve heard a partner say this or a similar phrase you are not alone. When individuals express feelings of overwhelm and exhaustion around household chores and tasks this is a common response. However, the issues lie in that it does nothing for the mental load. In fact, it can almost increase it and reinforce its existence. A partner who waits to be asked for help and waits to be told what to do for the house is putting all responsibilities of managing the house onto their partner. They view their partner as the one who manages the house, the chores, and the schedules. This can be true even for partners who do the majority of the household chores but don’t carry the mental load. In this case, the tasks have been delegated to them, but they don’t feel responsibility for knowing what needs to be done and when.

“I Don’t See It, So It’s Not Real“: Reality of the Mental Load

A stage director is something that individuals are paid to do. The same goes for housekeepers, project managers, or any number of jobs where management and cognitive labor are key. However, the mental load is not only considered invisible labor but is never usually even acknowledged as work. This can be a point of contention in relationships as many individuals not participating in the mental load usually don’t see its existence or how it may lead to exhaustion and burnout. This can feel frustrating and disheartening in a relationship to have your work and effort devalued so strongly.

Woman looking stressed working late into the night to deal with the mental load of running all of the details of a household in Minnesota. Consider therapy with a Twin Cities Marriage and Family therapist here.

There are a few ways to help you explain this concept to your partner if you feel the burden of the mental load. Firstly, offer tangible examples that help to explain what is happening and what you are feeling. For example, let’s say your partner is in charge of changing the kids for bed. While that task is done by them you behind the scenes make sure that the clothes are in their correct spots, clean, and ready to go. You may be also delegating that task to them and even have to prompt its occurrence. All of that mental load exists for your partner to be able to do a single task. Offering concrete steps of how things occur from your perspective and your feelings around it can help increase your partner’s understanding and hopefully lead to them helping take on that mental load.

Another way to explain the concept of mental load and to communicate the burden it has on you is to focus on being proactive, not reactive. A partner that anticipates or takes on the responsibility of initiating household tasks in turn takes on some of the mental load. Versus a partner who waits to be asked for help and as such takes on no responsibility for the mental load and is only acting in reaction to your prompting. It can help to emphasize that being proactive allows you to not have to worry about if and when tasks will get done. It allows you to share the burden together.

Let’s Do This Together: Effective Household Management

If a partner is able to understand and be empathetic to the current dynamic the next step will be to change it! How do you go about sharing the mental load with a partner? One great way is to include the management and control of tasks when dividing up household chores and planning. Back to our example of getting the kids ready for bed. Instead of that being the only task, now it is your partner’s responsibility to handle all aspects of it. How do the clothes get there; Are the clothes clean; Do you need to buy bigger ones soon? All mental and physical aspects of this one task now shift to the partner.

Couple working together to understand the true implications of the household work to be done. Counseling in Plymouth, MN can help women deal with the mental load and couples do better together. Consider twin cities couples therapy here.

Another important way to share the mental load is to relinquish the control you once had over tasks. It sounds easy enough as that is what the goal is right? Well for some individuals it can be difficult to trust that their partner will hold up their end of the deal, and it can be difficult to let go of the way you want things to be done. You can communicate to a partner in a thoughtful way why you like things done a certain way, but it is important to know when to let go. If the clothes aren’t folded the exact way you like, is it worth stressing or getting upset over? This is key during the transition from carrying all of the mental load to letting a partner have their share. You’ve explained and can continue to check in about how and what they’re doing, but trusting that they will do what needs to be done is important.

Something Worth Changing

The mental load can be detrimental to not only an individual’s mental health but their relationship health and physical well-being. You don’t just need help completing each and every task or household chore, but you need help managing it mentally. It’s important to have a balance in relationships, and for many couples, it just isn’t as balanced as it could or should be. Even if you are splitting physical tasks 50/50, if one partner is fully responsible for the mental load then their share of the household is above 50%. If this is something you struggle with in your relationship or household it can be beneficial to speak to a therapist to help you gain a better understanding of what you need and want for yourself. Your health and well-being are just as important if not more so than the household tasks being completed perfectly. The mental load, just like physical tasks, is meant to be shared by all members of a household, not just one. This work and effort are not invisible.

Consider Online Couples Therapy or Marriage Counseling in Minnesota

If you need assistance with getting this conversation started, consider seeking support from a licensed marriage and family therapist in Plymouth, MN. They can provide personalized guidance and therapeutic strategies to help you navigate a more equitable household. Take the first step towards healthier relationships with couples therapy near the Twin Cities. Start with these three simple steps!