How Do You Show Up In Your Relationship – A Closer Look at Attachment

Written by Sarah Zielinski, Master’s Intern

“Attachment” refers to the emotional connection you formed as an infant with your primary caregiver (usually your mom). According to attachment theory, pioneered by British psychiatrist John Bowlby and American psychologist Mary Ainsworth, the quality of the bonding you experienced during this first relationship often determines how well you relate to other people and respond to intimacy throughout life.

If your primary caretaker (e.g., your mom) made you feel safe and understood as an infant, if they were able to respond to your cries and accurately interpret your changing physical and emotional needs, then you likely developed what we call a secure attachment. If you experienced confusing, frightening, or inconsistent emotional communication during infancy, if your caregiver (e.g., your mom) was unable to consistently comfort you or respond to your needs, you’re more likely to have experienced an insecure (avoidant or anxious) attachment.

By identifying your attachment style, you can learn to challenge your insecurities, develop a more securely attached way of relating to others, and build stronger, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships.

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Attachment Styles for Couples in Marriage and Relationships

There are three main attachment styles, or manners in which people perceive and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships, that can be found in adults: anxious, secure and avoidant. (There is also a fourth, less common category referred to as “disorganized” which is a combination of anxious and avoidant.)

Let’s take a closer look at what these attachment styles may look like. Try to see if any of the descriptions sound like you (or your partner).

(Note: These are just brief descriptions of the attachment styles – see the reference below for more information.)

1. Anxious Attachment

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You love being very close to your romantic partner and have the capacity for great intimacy. But you’re often afraid that your partner doesn’t want to be as close as you’d like them to be. Relationships usually take up a lot of your emotional energy. You’re often sensitive to small fluctuations in your partner’s moods and actions, and although you’re usually accurate, you take your partner’s behaviors too personally. As an anxious person, you experience a lot of negative emotions within your relationship and get easily upset. As a result, you tend to act out and say things you later regret. But if your partner provides a lot of security and reassurance, you’re able to eliminate much of your preoccupation and feel more content.

2. Secure Attachment

You’re naturally warm and loving in a relationship. You enjoy being intimate and take things in stride when it comes to romance but don’t get overly worried or upset over relationship matters. As a secure person, you’re able to effectively communicate your needs and feelings to your partner and are great at reading your partner’s emotional cues and responding to them. You share your successes and problems with your partner and are able to be there for him or her when needed.

3. Avoidant Attachment

As an anxious person, it’s very important for you to maintain your independence and self-sufficiency, and you often prefer autonomy to intimate relationships. Despite wanting to be close to others, you’re uncomfortable with too much closeness and usually keep your partner at arm’s length. You don’t spend a lot of time worry about your romantic relationships or about being rejected. You don’t usually open up to your partners and your partner often complain that you’re emotionally distant. In relationships, you’re often on high alert for any signs of control or intrusion on your territory by your partner.

Why Attachment Styles Matter in Relationships

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As I said earlier, attachment styles are characterized by the behavior exhibited within a relationship, especially when that relationship is threatened. For example, if you have a secure attachment, you’re probably able to share your feelings openly and seek support when faced with relationship problems. If you have an anxious or avoidant attachment, on the other hand, you may become needy or clingy, behave in selfish or manipulative ways when you’re feeling vulnerable, or shy away from intimacy altogether.

Understanding how your attachment style shapes and influences your intimate relationships can help you make sense of your own behavior, how you perceive your partner, and how you respond to intimacy. Identifying these patterns can then help you clarify what you need in a relationship and the best way to overcome problems.

Reference: “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love” by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A.

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