Written by Sarah Zielinski, Master’s Intern
You’ve downloaded the apps, joined the websites, and gone to clubs and bars. You’ve read the books, blogs and articles and talked to friends (both single and ones in relationships). But no matter what you’ve read, seen or hear, and no matter who you’ve talked to, you can’t seem to find a relationship (or maintain a healthy one).
If it seems like you’ve done all of the things, I’d recommend listening to a podcast, specifically “Monica & Jess Love Boys,” a 10- episode podcast about relationships and dating. This podcast follows the relationship struggles of two opposites: Jess who dates too much and Monica who dates too little, with one dating in the gay community and the other dating in the straight one. With the help of some different guest experts – therapists, doctors, friends in successful relationships, relationship professionals – they explore different patterns and underlying issues and are challenged to attempt to break their bad habits.
Whether you’re looking for a relationship or currently in one, this podcast is for you. To give you a sneak peek, here are some of the major takeaways:
Attachment Style Matters in A Relationship:
There are three main attachment styles:
- Secure Attachment
- Avoidant Attachment
- Anxious Attachment
We’ve discussed attachment styles before, so definitely check that post out for more information. In the meantime, here’s a quick rundown. Those with a secure attachment feel comfortable reaching for their primary attachment figure, usually their mom, for support. Those with avoidant or anxious attachment may not feel as comfortable reaching out to their attachment figure for support because she is also a source of trauma.
Our early attachments, early relationships get recapitulated into our current attachments and relationships. For example, Monica’s parents never really demonstrated love nor were they very nurturing. In adulthood, she views love as unattainable and constantly puts herself in situations where she doesn’t end up with the person she is interested in. Jess, on the other hand, was taken away from his mom at a young age to live with his dad in another country. Later in life, he goes in search of “lightning bolts,” which tend to be people who leave him, further replicating the abandonment from his childhood.
Unresolved Past Issues Matter in Dating and Relationships:
Our early experiences, relationships, trauma, etc. all impact how we think and behave later on in life. If these things go unresolved, they end up impacting how we interact with potential romantic interests. Monica, for example, had an experience in middle school where a boy she liked said he couldn’t date her because her parents worked at Dairy Queen. This was a pivotal moment because it led her to start fantasizing about being with people she views as higher status or unattainable (e.g., teachers, people “out of her league”) so that when they do not reciprocate, it further confirms her belief that she can never have that person, that she’s not good enough. But when the fantasy becomes real (i.e., when someone like her back), she turns herself off and starts to question what could be wrong with them that they would ever like her. Jess, on the other hand, learned from an early age to bend over backwards to become whatever he believes people want him to be (e.g., vegan, the “hot guy,” the “funny guy”) so as not to lose them. He claimed to be happy to play those roles, but it led him to hide parts of himself that he was afraid would be rejected. Monica is love-avoidant, and Jess is love-addicted, and we’re able to see how their narratives have impacted the way that they view themselves and interact with other people, especially romantic interests/partners. Everyone has some sort of story or narrative that serves as a protector, and it’s important to identify it, thank it for protecting you, and work toward changing it if it’s unhealthy.
Long-Term, Committed Relationships Aren’t for Everyone
Many people are ushered into committed relationships because of cultural/societal messaging. Because of this, a lot of people end up in long-term, committed relationships when they would do better to be in short-term relationships (at least to start). That being said, there is no long-term relationship without a successful short-term relationship – a long-term relationship is a short-term relationship that kept going and going. There is also no long-term relationship if you have a long list of deal breakers, if you treat every date as a hunt for the deal breaker or a reason not to date someone, or if you’re not willing to date against what you want. It’s up to you figure out which type of relationship, if any, is right for you. (Just because you’re not in a relationship, doesn’t mean you’re not hot or attractive or worth of other people!)
Generally speaking, we place too high of expectations on people and on relationships. So instead of trying to find “The One,” Dan Savage recommends on the podcast to find someone who is a 0.68 that you can round up to 1. Treat that 0.68 like they’re “The One” and psych yourself up as though they’re “The One” in your eyes. How can you tell if they’re a 0.68? If you look at someone and ask, ‘Do I enjoy spending time with this person? Do I want to spend more time with this person?’ and answer yes, they are likely a 0.68 rounded to 1 and your relationship is likely to turn into a long-term one.
The Ability to Be Vulnerable or Say ‘This Isn’t A Match’
Relationships involved offering your whole self to someone, and there’s nothing more vulnerable than that.The most powerful thing in the world is to give someone everything they need to destroy you and they choose not to. With relationships, we forget that we’re pursing someone with whom we can be vulnerable. Additionally, it’s scary to say, ‘I would like to know love’ because it opens you up to the world and feels vulnerable. Sometimes we would rather sabotage our relationships than risk vulnerability and rejection (of our vulnerability). But the willingness to be authentic and transparent is liberating and can lead to amazing things.
If you’re not connecting with someone on a date, during a hookup, etc., it’s okay to say, ‘This isn’t a match.’ Simply tell them, ‘I didn’t feel chemistry. I wish you best of luck in your search. Because you’re such a catch, someone is going to find you.’ If you’re not feeling it, you can’t make yourself feel it. Don’t waste someone’s time if you’re not interested. Likewise, if someone tells you ‘This isn’t a match,’ remember that you’re not going to be for everybody, and that’s okay!
Note: Humans don’t like to reject or be rejected, but it’s okay, normal and even healthy!
All About You
You don’t need another half. You are a whole person. But if you’re looking for someone, you’re going to want someone who makes you a better version of yourself – someone who challenges you – but not someone who completes the puzzle. There are some people who bring out the best in us and some who bring out the worst in us, and you’re going to want to choose someone that brings out the best in you. Additionally, a big part of being together is to be challenged and taught something. Relationships are about committing to growth, to challenging one another, and to listening to your inner voice.
Podcasts are a great way learn and explore things in a more interesting way, “Monica & Jess Love Boys” is no different. Monica, Jess and their guests are so fun to listen to that many clients will listen multiple times, taking notes as they listen or even doing some of the challenges themselves (or even challenging friends!).
Start Online Couples Therapy or Individual Therapy in Minnesota
We would love to help you take a proactive approach to your relationship. In fact, we offer online counseling in Minnesota, no matter where you are in the state. We can provide high-quality telehealth services for you and your family! To get started, simply:
- Schedule a free, 30-minute consultation to talk about online therapy
- Meet with a skilled and licensed online therapist
- Begin your life together on solid ground, from the safety of your home
Other Counseling Services at Radiant Living Therapy
Our problems have many layers. We know these issues are complex so, we are here for you at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Our professional therapists offer a variety of options for supporting your mental health needs. Our counseling services include individual counseling for anxiety or depression therapy, counseling for teens, marriage counseling and couples therapy, EMDR for trauma therapy, counseling for men, therapy for infertility, and more. Most of these services can also be offered online. Let us help you live your best life, starting with online therapy.
If you are a helping professional looking for help, or a therapist needing supervision or consultation services, we can help you, too. No matter the need, our therapists look forward to connecting with you!
Read more from the Radiant blog:
- Unload The Mental Load: Tips from a Twin Cities Therapist
- The Way You See Yourself Matters: Body Image and Sexual Functioning
- Attached at the Hip: How Attachment Styles Affect Our Adult Relationships
- New Year New Us: Relationship Resolutions
- Setting Boundaries: The Holiday Edition
- A Beginner’s Guide to Sex Toys
