Attachment Styles, Couples, & Relationships

***by Isabel Meyer-Mueller, MS, Radiant Living Therapist***

What are attachment styles? What do they have to do with relationships & couples?

Attachment refers to the deep need within us all to feel connected and secure in the context of a relationship. Attachment to others can provide emotional safety and a sense of not being alone. While in some Western cultures, the idea of independence is touted as being superior to dependence on others, our need for attachment is an essential part of the human condition. Depending on the context of your relationships throughout your life, particularly in childhood, people tend to develop different habits related to forming attachment bonds with others. Attachment Theory’s central tenet is that children need to experience a consistent and secure relationship with at least one caregiver or attachment figure in order to develop “secure” social and emotional attachment styles. If children do not experience this consistent relationship, the child’s attachment style may develop as “insecure.” Attachment is typically divided into two main categories: secure and insecure. There are several types of insecure attachment, including anxious and avoidant. Continue reading to learn more about what causes these attachment styles, how they manifest in relationships, and what you can do to manage them.

Types of attachment and how they affect relationships:

Anxious Attachment

Couple in marriage counseling looking disconnected and concerned. Consider couples therapy Minneapolis with a Plymouth, MN marriage counselor for help with how your attachment style might impact your marriage.

In adult relationships, an anxious attachment style typically manifests as fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, and depending excessively on their partner for emotional regulation and affirmation. This attachment style is typically the result of having parents who made the child feel responsible for their caregivers’ emotions, parents who were easily overwhelmed or anxious, or were overly involved or coddling. Children with anxious attachment typically exhibit high levels of distress when their caregiver leaves. If, in relationships, you tend to be jealous, have a hard time being alone, have low self-esteem, feel unworthy of love, or feel panic or overwhelmed about the possibility of rejection or abandonment, you may have an anxious attachment style.

Avoidant Attachment

When children grow up with distant and unreliable caregivers it can lead to an avoidant attachment style. When attachment figures are absent or inconsistently reliable, children may learn to rely only on themselves and have a hard time trusting those around them to be physically and emotionally present and supportive. Later in life, people with avoidant attachments may have a hard time engaging in emotional and physical intimacy due to fears that they will not be able to get their needs met by partners in relationships. When their needs are not being met, people with an avoidant attachment style may distance themselves from others and from relationships because they have learned that the only person they can rely on is themselves. A sense of hyper-independence, discomfort expressing your emotions, having a hard time trusting others, and feeling threatened by people who are trying to get close to you can all be telltale signs of avoidant attachment styles.

Secure Attachment

Secure attachment results when children feel validated, encouraged, comforted, and valued by caregivers throughout their early years. Children with secure attachment styles are able to explore independently, traverse their worlds, and then return to their caregivers, knowing that there will be someone to return to and that their needs will be met when the time comes. The key to secure attachment is consistent, quick, and sensitive responses from caregivers and attachment figures. In adulthood, secure attachment can be characterized by emotional regulation skills and self-soothing, trusting others, an ability to seek help and support, and an ability to communicate emotions.

How does attachment style impact couples & relationships?

Clearly, your family or origin and your ensuing attachment style have significant impacts on your current relationships. However, it is important to remember that you can change your attachment style and find ways to minimize the challenges that insecure attachment produces in your relationship. Here are some things to keep in mind if you are struggling with attachment wounds in your relationship.

Couple looking happy and connected close together on the beach. Consider couples therapy Minneapolis with a Plymouth, MN marriage counselor for help with how your attachment style might impact your marriage.

Understand the role of attachment in your family of origin – It is important that you spend time self-reflecting or talking with a therapist about what your early attachment relationships looked like. Has this resulted in an anxious attachment that causes you to feel terror about rejection and abandonment? Or has it resulted in an avoidant attachment that makes it so that you avoid disagreements and confrontation in order to protect yourself? Naming and understanding your attachment style is the first step to changing it.
Identify issues that come up through the lens of attachment – When you are struggling in your relationship, it can be easy to blame your partner for the ways that they are contributing to the problems. Instead, take some time and think about what ways attachment wounds are contributing to the problem. Rather than pitting yourself against your partner, perhaps you can come together as a team to work against the attachment wounds. For example, when your partner leaves a mess in the kitchen, are you really upset about the mess or is it the lack of consideration and understanding of what is important to you? Is that feeling of misunderstanding and hurt related to feelings that you have experienced in previous relationships? Would it be possible to reframe the problem and work to change behavior and heal attachment wounds together?
Be able to talk to your partner about attachment rather than blaming them for the upset – Communication and honesty are some of the most important parts of minimizing the impact of attachment styles. I believe that emotions drive our behaviors. Therefore, talking about what you are feeling honestly before responding with reactionary behaviors is so important.

As you keep these tips in mind, remember that you are not alone, and you do not have to go through this journey by yourself. There are Minnesota therapists ready to support you in your individual work of identifying your attachment style and in your relationships.