Written by Sarah Zielinski, Master’s Intern
John M. Gottman, Ph.D., a leading research scientist on marriage and family, can predict with 91% accuracy whether a couple will divorce after watching and listening to them for just 5 minutes. If he observed you and your partner what might he conclude about your relationship?
If you know your relationship is not in a great place, please also know that it’s never too late to change the trajectory of your relationship. John Gottman has done extensive treatment over the past 45 years to help determine what leads to better and more successful marriages.
To help reinvigorate or divorce-proof your marriage, Gottman came up with seven principles that guide couples on a path toward a long-lasting relationship. Here is a summary of each of the seven principles. If you want a more in-depth look at this Gottman has a book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Marriage Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps
A “love map” refers to that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life: major events, likes/dislikes, desires, life goals, worries, hopes, etc. For example, you may know that your partner loves country music or that religion is important to them, but they have doubts.
Think of it like a road map: Just like a road map shows you how to get to your destination, a love map shows you how to know and love your partner. The more detailed the map, the stronger the love. After all, how can you love someone if you don’t really know them?
Couples who have detailed love maps of each other’s world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict. Take, for example, the birth of the first baby: Couples who have detailed love maps from the start have thriving marriages after the birth of their child, while those who don’t have a drop in marital satisfaction. When couples are aware of each other’s thoughts/feelings, they aren’t thrown off course. But if couples don’t start off with a deep knowledge of each other, it’s easy for a marriage to lose its way when lives shift. In other words, the more you know and understand about each other the easier it is to keep connected as life changes around you.
Note: This is an ongoing, lifelong process. Expect to update your knowledge about yourselves and each other for the duration of your marriage (and life).
Divorce-Proof Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration
Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. If a couple still has fondness and admiration, their marriage is salvageable. If fondness and admiration are completely missing, reviving the relationship is impossible.
Test: How do you view your past? Couples who put a positive spin on their marriage’s history and their partner’s character are likely to have a happy future. But when happy memories are distorted, it’s a sign that the marriage needs help. Take your wedding day, for example. Do you have more positive or negative memories of that day?
The key to reinvigorating fondness and admiration is to get in the habit of looking for qualities and actions that you can appreciate and let your partner know what you’ve observed and are grateful for. So, for example, if you love how ambitious or truthful your partner is, tell them! When you acknowledge and talk about positive aspects of your partner and your marriage, your bond is strengthened and it’s much easier to address the problem areas in your marriage and make positive changes.
Relationship Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away
Couples are always making “bids” for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support (e.g., asking for a backrub or seeking help when an aging parent is ill). The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward or turning away. For example, you and your spouse are at the store when they turn and ask, “Are we out of butter?” You can answer, “I don’t know. Let’s get some just in case” (turning toward) or you can shrug apathetically (turning away).
A tendency to turn toward you partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life. Each time partners turn toward each other, they are funding their “emotional bank account” that can serve as a cushion when times get rough, when they’re face with a major life stress. (It’s like putting money in your rainy-day savings account. But instead of money, it’s awesome relationship stuff.)
There may be times when one spouse feels the other doesn’t connect enough, which indicates a disparity in their needs for intimacy and independence. But marriage is like a dance: sometimes you feel drawn to your partner and sometimes you need to pull back and have some autonomy. Everyone has different needs, and the best thing you can do for your marriage is to talk it out.
Marriage Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You
Couples who allow their partners to influence them have happier relationships and are less likely to divorce than those who resist their partner’s influence. When partners accept influence from one another, they also strengthen their friendship – happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.
Here’s an example: You’re considering buying a used car from a friend. Before making a deal, you want to have it checked because you promised your partner you would before buying it. Your friend questions your decision to listen to your partner but goes on to tell you that he’s divorced. The difference between you and your friend is that you understand the importance of sharing the driver’s seat with your partner.
Accepting influence is a skill that you can hone if you pay attention to how you relate to your spouse. In everyday life, this means working on the first three principles and being willing to compromise when you have a conflict. For example, you might have to work when your mother-in-law visits this weekend, but maybe you can shift the timing so that you could help your partner get the house ready. And perhaps your partner and their mother can take your daughter to soccer practice on Saturday (traditionally your task) so that you can get some work done.
If you’re having trouble accepting influence, you will benefit your marriage enormously by talking about it with your spouse. Nobody can change old habits overnight, but if you’re able to take responsibility for your difficulty with power-sharing, that will be a major leap forward. The next step is to make your partner an ally in your crusade to overcome this problem. (So, it’s you and your spouse vs. the problem.)
Relationship Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems
Marriage is the merging of two unique people, which means conflicts are bound to happen. In every marriage, there are two types of conflict: either they are solvable or ongoing. One way to identify solvable problems is that they seem less painful, gut-wrenching, or intense than ongoing problems.
A popular approach to conflict resolution is to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and try to see the problem from their perspective. While this isn’t a bad method, it’s not always doable or helpful. So, here’s another model:
- Begin by softening your startup. This allows your partner to accept your influence and increase the chances that the conversation will be successful. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. Don’t judge. Be clear, polite, and appreciative. Put all your cards on the table, don’t bottle anything up.
- Learn to make and receive repair attempts (i.e., learn to pump the brakes when an argument gets out of hand). Know how your partner receives love (e.g., a hug may be viewed as aggressive or comforting depending on the person).
- Find common ground and accept one another’s faults. Where do you and your spouse agree? What feelings or goals do you have in common? Common ground can help with compromise, but you can’t compromise unless you accept your partner’s faults.
Divorce-Proof Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock
When partners can’t find a way to accommodate the ongoing disagreements, the result is gridlock. Think of gridlock like two opposing fists: Nether can make any headway on getting the other to understand their perspective. Each partner gets more entrenched in their own position and believes the other is selfish.
Note: The goal isn’t necessarily to solve the problem, but to be open and talk about it.
To overcome gridlock, you both have to recognize that gridlock happens when one or both of your dreams aren’t being respected. (It’s easier to compromise when you feel respected.) For example, you want to quite your job and start your own business while your spouse wants to get a degree. Although your dreams are different, you’re able to sit down and talk about them and come to a compromise. But when couples don’t appreciate and support their partner’s dreams, they’ll likely find themselves gridlocked with no end in sight. Gridlock can also happen when a spouse has expectations that may be different from the other. For example, you and your spouse disagree about how to spend your Sunday nights: cooking and eating at home or eating at a restaurant. Instead of shutting down, you and your spouse agree to take turns each Sunday (i.e., you compromise!).
Marriage Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning
Each couple creates their own micro-culture with their own customs, rituals, and traditions. You don’t have to agree on everything, but you have to be willing to grow as you create your culture. The more you can agree on the fundamentals of life (i.e., the more you create shared meaning), however, the deeper, richer, and more rewarding your relationship will be.
How do you create shared meaning? One way is by creating “rituals of connection.” Weekly outings, holiday meals, or annual trips as a couple are all ways for you and your spouse to connect. Another way to create shared meaning is through the roles you play. How do you view your role as a spouse, parent, sibling, friend, etc.? How does your spouse view that role? Lastly, you can create shared meaning by looking at your goals and values. What are your goals as an individual and as a couple? Are they similar? What about your values around sex, family, marriage, independence, etc.? Whatever the rituals, roles, goals and values, it’s important for you and your spouse to talk about them and compromise when necessary.
A successful long-lasting marriage is possible. Even if you think your marriage is doomed, there are steps you can take to revive it. By learning (and applying) the Seven Principles, you can change the course of your relationship. Remember: Change is not likely to happen overnight. Take it step by step, incorporating and practicing one principle at a time until you’re applying all seven. And if you get stuck or have some missteps, review the Seven Principles to see which ones are missing and how to get back on track.
Start Online Couples Therapy in Minnesota
We would love to help you take a proactive approach to your relationship. In fact, we offer online counseling in Minnesota, no matter where you are in the state. We can provide high-quality telehealth services for you and your family! To get started, simply:
- Schedule a free, 30-minute consultation to talk about online therapy
- Meet with a skilled and licensed online therapist
- Begin your life together on solid ground, from the safety of your home
Other Counseling Services at Radiant Living Therapy
Our problems have many layers. We know these issues are complex so, we are here for you at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Our professional therapists offer a variety of options for supporting your mental health needs. Our counseling services include individual counseling for anxiety or depression therapy, counseling for teens, marriage counseling and couples therapy, EMDR for trauma therapy, counseling for men, therapy for infertility, and more. Most of these services can also be offered online. Let us help you live your best life, starting with online therapy.
If you are a helping professional looking for help, or a therapist needing supervision or consultation services, we can help you, too. No matter the need, our therapists look forward to connecting with you!
Read more from the Radiant blog:
- Understanding Anxiety: A Therapist’s Guide to Navigating the Storm
- The Hidden Costs of Avoiding Therapy
- Should I See a New Therapist Online or In Person?
- How to Talk to Your Teen Without Losing Your Cool
- How Do I Tell My Man He Needs Therapy?
- How to Fight Better: Tips from a MN Couples Therapist
