Get in Touch with Emotions, Have Better Sex

Written by Eric Anfinson, LMFT, Radiant Living Therapist

Today I wanted to take some time to talk about something I see causing big problems for a lot of the individuals and couples I work with as a male therapist. Emotions and sex. It’s pretty widely stated or joked about, that men aren’t great with their emotions. Men are very often not well educated about their emotions, and in many cases told to shove down their emotions. Expectations of stoicism and the like are rampant in our society. While we strive to make progress in this area, it’s still a big concern and impacts many people that I work with.

One thing we don’t often talk about around the topic of emotional awareness is just how much it impacts sex. Sex is fraught with complex emotions whether you’re having a one-night stand or making love to a partner of 20 years. I want to shed some light on the major ways I see a lack of emotional awareness impacts sex and suggest some ways to start moving forward.

“Getting it up”

Putting yourself in the right space to create mental and physical arousal can certainly be challenging sometimes. Problems with erection most often begin with and are then perpetuated by negative emotions and feelings. These thoughts and feelings might look like:

Man thinking about his relationship while partner sits in the background. Getting in touch with your emotions as a man can help you have better sex and a healthy relationship. Learn more about counseling with a male therapist in Minnesota here.

Anxiety about wanting to please a partner.
Fear about what will happen if you can’t get an erection.
Loss of masculine identity if there are any problems.
Worry about what if it happens again.

I could go on for hours about all of the things men fear when it comes to their erections. But, the point is it’s an emotional problem. Most men I see already have a prescription for Viagra or the like, but they’re in my office because it’s not working. One of the biggest problems with a lack of emotional awareness on this topic is that you can’t even begin to start working forward if you’re unable to identify the problem. Once these emotions are identified, the process of talking through them and gaining partner support is the easy part.

“All men think about is sex”

When I look at sexual needs, I like to break things into two pieces, an individual need for sexual release, and a relational need for sexual intimacy. The first is like hunger. If you’re hungry or horny you can make dinner or have sex with your partner, but if they’re not interested it’s your job to take care of yourself. The second need requires another person. This need is patient and is never needed “right now” but a lack of this will eventually destroy a relationship.

The emotional awareness problem here is that in relationships men crave intimacy, but don’t know it, don’t know how to articulate it, and haven’t been taught how to approach intimacy in an effective way. This results in a false perception that men only care about the first need for sexual release. This in turn often leads to partners having “maintenance” or “duty” sex. This helps no one. This kind of sex does absolutely nothing to meet the man’s true need for intimate emotional connection and only serves to build resentment in the partner. So, through the inability to accurately identify and articulate our needs as men, we are creating a narrative about ourselves that does not serve anyone.

Woman reaching for a man's hand as a bid for connection. Male therapists in Plymouth, MN can help you find your confidence and connection again. Sex therapy for men in Minnesota can help you heal from past hurts and open up to your partner in new ways.

Feeling Special During and After Sex

Whether it’s through our innate wiring, cultural messages, or both, sex means a lot to men. I know I touched on this earlier, but sex can be a reassuring personal touchpoint for men.

Sex means someone wants to share something special with you.
Sex means you’re good enough.
Sex means the relationship is healthy.
Sex means everything is ok.

Sex can convey so many positive things, and don’t get me wrong, that is a good thing. So where is our emotional awareness problem? If someone is not already feeling positively about their relationship, they can very easily begin to rely on sex. These internal needs can end up needing external validation. What this leads to is men who need sex constantly. It becomes a painkiller that they always need more of, but it never actually cures the internal problem. This can again lead to maintenance sex which does nothing to help solve things.

It’s OK to Grow as Men!

Young couple hugging in their bedroom. Connecting emotionally with your partner can help men feel more emotionally stable and secure around sex, intimacy, and more. Meeting a male therapist in Plymouth, MN for counseling can help!

As men, it’s not our fault that we ended up here. We have generations of fathers who were taught the same toxic masculinity. We have a culture that shames men for simply showing empathy. It is our fault if we choose to stay this way. Men are just as emotionally deep and complex as everyone else. We have to see that our toxic masculinity is not just damaging to those around us. Honestly, it’s not even helping us as men. So where do we go from here? We learn. Therapy is always a good starting point but isn’t necessary for this journey.

One way to start is simply by expanding your emotional vocabulary. You can only express yourself as accurately as you have words for. “Angry”, “happy”, and “sad” aren’t cutting it in 2023. Complex emotion wheels can be great for this. Next, you need to work on identifying those feelings as they happen. I find that using an emotion tracker app or a journal can really help people reflect on what they’ve been feeling. Once these pieces are rolling the last step is to communicate those feelings and start reaping the benefits. A man who tells his partner he’s attracted to them, but he’s just really anxious about not getting an erection can get the comfort and support he needs to move past that challenge. A man who shares with his partner that he doesn’t just want an orgasm, he wants to feel close and safe and connected is much more likely to end up getting that need met. The man who can acknowledge his own internal pain as a driving force for compulsive sexual behavior can heal those wounds and take back control of his life.

There are endless benefits to emotional awareness for men, women, everyone. Never count out sex as something that can grow as you do in this area.

Ready to Start Men’s Therapy in Plymouth, MN?

Finding a therapist who is a good fit is important, especially when dealing with emotionally heavy issues. Research shows that most of the progress you make in therapy comes from your connection with the therapist. Getting counseling for men in our Plymouth, MN therapy office is easy. With men’s therapy, our team specializes in mental health issues to provide you with as much support as possible. Begin men’s therapy with these simple steps: