Written by Eric Anfinson, LMFT, Radiant Living Therapist
At any given moment, 1 in every 4 US adults has a diagnosable mental illness. If we expand that timeline just about every single person or their partner will experience mental illness at some time during their life. This could be anxiety, depression, trauma, or difficulty adjusting to new life circumstances. About 600,000 women are diagnosed with postpartum depression every year. Men die from suicide 3.5x more often than women. Mental illness affects all of us at some point in our lives.
Whether it’s us or our partner, diagnosed or not, we’ll all deal with it. Untreated or unsupported mental illness can have dire consequences, or it can slowly tear apart an otherwise good relationship. Today we’ll look at how depression and anxiety can impact a relationship. We’ll also take a look at how if you’re suffering from these things you can communicate to your partner about it, as well as some ways to support a partner who is struggling with one of these illnesses.
Things to Remember About Mental Health, From a Therapist
The first thing to remember with each of these illnesses we’ll talk about is that we’re talking about coping, not curing. If we could quickly cure these illnesses with therapy or medication, we’d be a much healthier nation. These illnesses can take years to fully treat, and some of them are lifelong battles. So keeping in mind that these things aren’t going to completely disappear with a little positive attitude and a new perspective can help. That being said, taking medication, learning new coping skills, and going to therapy…these things improve the situation and make it improve over time.
Depression Affects Partners in Different Ways in Relationships
People often talk about depression’s primary symptom being sadness. While this can be a feature of depression the number one way it tends to impact couples is through the intense mental weight and apathy it blankets its victims with. Having a partner with intense depression can at times feel like having no partner at all. When intense depression makes it hard to even get out of bed, doing things like going to work, cooking dinner, or cleaning the house can feel impossible. It’s also common for depression to have a significant impact on a couple’s sex lives. Feeling really down doesn’t exactly spark the desire for intimacy. All of these things can lead to serious conflict in relationships. So how do we work with this?
As an individual with depression, one of the most important things to do is communicate how you’re feeling each day with your partner. Knowing that you’re so depressed you’re struggling to get up lends understanding and empathy to why not much got done today. This may seem simple but I’ve talked to too many people who don’t know if their partner is being lazy, disrespectful, or just doesn’t care.
Communication is key to being on the same page so you can fight together. In addition, keeping up with skills, therapy, and medication is a great way to demonstrate to your partner that you’re trying to improve things and get healthier. I find that love can provide near-infinite patience as long as the effort is being made. However, when someone feels like their depressed partner isn’t trying that patience can dry up very quickly.
A Note for Partners…
For partners of those struggling with depression, this is tough and it can be hard to know how to support them. First, be sure to speak both in your own head and out loud to others from the perspective of seeing your partner’s behavior as the result of an illness. Talking and thinking about your partner’s actions as though they are simply by choice will very quickly build up resentment and even contempt.
The second thing that can help is working to create a scale of how depressed your partner is on a given day and just what that means for how much they can help and be present. It’s ok to have expectations of someone who is depressed, we just want to adjust those expectations to fit the level of depression. Lastly, don’t forget to take care of yourself as well, you don’t have to be your partner’s therapist. Make sure you’re getting the support you need from friends and family.
Anxiety Takes a Toll on Relationships and Couples
Anxious people can impact their relationships in many different ways. Sometimes being anxious about everything can be paralyzing. Anxiety can also lead to increased frustration or a short fuse. Sometimes anxious people expect their partners to assuage all their fears. All of these things can lead to difficulty focusing on the relationship and having quality time together.
As an individual with anxiety the supports of skills, therapy, and medication are worth mentioning again as a way to improve things as well as show your partner you’re taking action. Specifically, to help within the relationship it can be important to practice mindfulness when you’re spending time with your partner. This doesn’t mean every moment together, but if you’re on a walk, having dinner together, or even being intimate. Being present and not locked in anxiety helps you connect better and keep the relationship healthy.
Consider Meditation!
If you struggle with being present, meditation is a fantastic way to practice this skill. I suggest starting with guided meditations of 3-5 minutes and expanding from there. There are many meditation apps and countless guided meditations on YouTube. The last tip I might give is to try to accept influence from your partner when they are trying to help with anxiety. This can be a great way to connect in overcoming the anxiety and feel like a team. This certainly isn’t possible every time but can help when it’s doable.
Another Note for Partners…
For partners of those with anxiety I’ll again mention this is an illness. Your partner isn’t crazy, their brain chemistry is off, causing some distorted thinking. It’s more important to note, however, that this is not an excuse to disregard things your partner says because:
“that’s just the anxiety talking.”
This can be incredibly damaging to the relationship and hurtful to your partner. Most things people are anxious about have a kernel of truth to them, are completely valid, or somewhere in between.
A little validation in the relationship goes a long way…
So something you can do to be helpful is to support your partner in identifying what parts of their feelings feel true and which feel like anxiety. Then work together to validate the parts that feel true. The other piece of resolving anxiety that can be very helpful is once you find the specific worry driving the anxiety, decide on a solution to avoid the negative outcome, and follow-through. For example, if your partner is anxious about failing an exam or messing up a presentation at work, help them study or practice. Knowing that you’ve done something to avoid the negative outcome can help a great deal.
This is nothing more than a starting point for dealing with these illnesses, but I hope there are some helpful tidbits in there for you. Accepting mental illness as a real illness allows for empathy and understanding, but mental illness also isn’t an excuse. Balancing these two things can be difficult and communication will always be the key to making it work in your relationship. Next time we’ll look at ADHD and Trauma and how they impact relationships as well as how to work with them.
Start Online Couples Therapy in Minnesota
We would love to help you take a proactive approach to your relationship. In fact, we offer online counseling in Minnesota, no matter where you are in the state. Our therapists can provide high-quality telehealth services for you and your family! To get started, simply:
- Schedule a free, 30-minute consultation to talk about online therapy
- Meet with a skilled and licensed online therapist
- Begin your life together on solid ground, from the safety of your home
Other Counseling Services at Radiant Living Therapy
Our problems have many layers. We know these issues are complex so, we are here for you at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Our professional therapists offer a variety of options for supporting your mental health needs. Our counseling services include individual counseling for anxiety or depression therapy, counseling for teens, marriage counseling and couples therapy, EMDR for trauma therapy, counseling for men, therapy for infertility, and more. Most of these services can also be offered online. Let us help you live your best life, starting with online therapy.
If you are a helping professional looking for help, or a therapist needing supervision or consultation services, we can help you, too. No matter the need, our therapists look forward to connecting with you!
