Written by Sophia “Sophie” Pimsler, MA LMFT, Radiant Living Therapist
It is common for survivors of sexual assault/abuse to seek therapy on how to enjoy their sex lives again. At the beginning of the therapy process, identifying the present trauma symptoms and how they are impacting their life is an essential part to work toward healing. Survivors may experience post-traumatic stress that includes struggles with sexual intimacy. Specifically related to intimacy survivors may experience: a lack of desire for sexual intimacy, lack of safety with sex, struggles to become aroused, lack of ability to reach orgasm when they want to, etc.
Past Trauma From Sexual Assault and Sexual Abuse Can Affect Life With Future Partners
A theme I have heard from survivors is an overwhelming pressure to be able to reconnect sexually. Clients have shared with me an expectation to be able to realize when feeling triggered during sexual intimacy. And, to be able to voice it and be able to stop or pause sexual intimacy when needed. If the survivor does not say something, they often times feel guilty for not doing so. This may then provoke the very trauma symptoms they have been seeking counseling to work on. It can also lead to feeling hopeless about their progress.
From sitting with many people whom I have counseled who sought to find a fulfilling life, particularly sex life, after a traumatic event, I wanted to provide a tangible exercise that would provide a feeling of hope. I also wanted to create an exercise that would help partners reconnect sexually in a safe way after an assault. One to facilitate a mutual responsibility of communication for the survivors AND their partner/s. So, I did and created “The Movement of Partnering”.
What is “The Movement of Partnering”?
Informed by my professional dance career, I wanted to provide a visual parallel of often misunderstood power imbalances in dance partnering. When we see one dancer lifting another on stage, we usually assume that the lifter is doing all the work. Additionally, that is why for many centuries of dance, only men lifted the women, as it was taboo to show a woman’s physical strength in the public domain. However, regardless of gender, the liftee (person being lifted) and the lifter are equally responsible for a successful and safe partnered dance. As the lifter holds the liftee’s body to raise them in the air, it can only be successful if the liftee is also engaging their core to not fall out of the lift, and bending their knees prior to assisting with the sendoff. While to the audience’s eye, the lifter is simply raising their partner like a parent would do when picking up their baby, the liftee’s responsibility is equally essential.
A similar but different form of dance, is sex.
Informed by popular culture, when we think of sex, we think of foreplay, intercourse being the peak, and then done…to use a hiking trail as a visual, it would look like this:
However, sex can look like:
When a survivor engages in sex, the binary script (ex: foreplay, sex, cuddle) often triggers a feeling of lack of control and/or dissociation. Why do you say? Rather than a collaborative moving connection/partnered dance, it has a projected outcome, feeling calculated, and not autonomous. Discussion tends to be less if the partners assume what the sexual “dance” is going to be.
Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby
By the way, talking with one another during sex is a good thing and can even bring a new level of spontaneity! There is a misconception that partners should be able to read one another’s minds both in the bedroom and outside. As a therapist, I can tell you that you will save yourself a lot of therapy sessions by stopping that now. Instead, always be a curious learner of your partner/s, and asking questions makes us all feel cared for and not taken for granted. That is why for new therapy go-ers, the most surprising part at first can be the feeling of support from a therapist spending a concentrated time asking about their lives. In my opinion, since beginning my practice, it is essential to do this emotional work.
Step-by-step instructions for “The Movement of Partnering”:
*Please note, that I will be using two people for this example. Partner A (the survivor) and Partner B. This exercise is not exclusively for two people nor just those in a monogamous relationship and is for any sexual/relational make-up (ex: three partnered sex).
- Before or at the very beginning of the sexual experience, create clear cues for “slow down”, “pause”, and “stop”. These are also known as safe words, but cues can be a physical touch or gesture as well. Feel free to add additional cues as well. A common example of these three cues many clients use include a three-tap on their partner’s shoulder, a hand gesture similar to a “stop-sign” or “time-out”, two hands on their partner’s chest or face, and putting their two hands over their eyes (this could symbolize not being mentally present or acknowledging dissociation is beginning).
- During a sexual experience, when Partner A finds themselves disengaging, not physically having sensation, experiencing a flashback, just wanting it to be done, lack of enjoyment, etc. they will cue their partner using the predetermined language or body movement. Additionally, as we work on rebalancing the partnered “dance”, Partner B will learn to cue as well. Let’s not forget that people like Partner B can also experience transference of Partner A’s trauma in a sexual experience, and they have the autonomy to cue as well.
- Partner A initiates after the cue from step 1 to discuss the next step. For example, if the cue is “pause”, the couple communicates about what is going on from a curious and non-judgmental standpoint. Subconsciously, Partner A is regrounding their body, to prevent further dissociation, by noticing and interrupting (cueing) when having a trauma symptom, and reorienting to the present moment. The “next step” could be cuddling or laying separately, continuing to talk with one another (you could reclothe as you continue chatting), looking at each other in silence or with music, kissing, having a sustained embrace, changing the type of sex, or stopping entirely. Partner B affirms throughout this transition that Partner A is safe, cared for, and will not be abandoned.
- Should the sexual experience continue (again continuing encompasses all of the examples in step 3), post cue, discussion, and transition, Partner B will ask Partner A directly how they are feeling in their new sexual dance. Doing an explicit check-in affirms respect of Partner A’s autonomy, affirmation of Partner B wanting to remain with Partner A then & after, and probably most importantly, loyalty to mutual consent.
- Even if the sexual experience concludes, that does not mean the intimate connection ends. Instead, the dance proceeds to a new relational experience. The couple could choose to move to a new room to watch a movie, run an errand together, cook a meal, or drive to a new environment
- The couple then discusses if they want to continue with sex and/or make any changes (ex: a shift from intercourse to cunnilingus, continue to cuddle, put clothes on and talk in bed etc.)
***This last part is key, as it’s a conversation between the people involved. The conversation is second to the survivor redirecting the sexual experience. It affirms as they interrupt whatever triggered them, that their partner stayed with them throughout, and were not left due to their self-advocacy. Instead, they were listened to, respected, and their partner wanted to stay until and after the end of the sexual experience.
Sex and intimacy after sexual trauma can be very painful and challenging.
Please know that the timeline of when one “should” be ready to engage in sex after a traumatic event is only for the survivor to decide based on their desire/wanting. The Movement of Partnering is one exercise to assist with reestablishing feelings of safety and pleasure with a partner. There are many different ways to do this, and not one way is right for everyone. I always encourage survivors to pick coping skills that feel right and safe to them. Remember, it can often take several times of practice to make exercises like the one described above successful. That said, there are many experts that are here to help and you are not alone.
Start Online Couples Therapy or EMDR Trauma Therapy in Minnesota
Trauma does not have to define your life anymore. And, it definitely doesn’t have to put a cloud over your relationships. In fact, we offer online counseling in Minnesota, no matter where you are in the state. Our couples and trauma therapists can provide high-quality telehealth services for you and your family! To get started, simply:
- Schedule a free, 30-minute consultation to talk about online therapy in Minnesota
- Meet with a skilled and licensed online therapist
- Feel more in control of your life again, with our help!
Other Counseling Services at Radiant Living Therapy
Our problems have many layers. We know these issues are complex so, we are here for you at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Our professional therapists offer a variety of options for supporting your mental health needs. Our counseling services include individual counseling for anxiety or depression therapy, counseling for teens, marriage counseling and couples therapy, EMDR for trauma therapy, counseling for men, therapy for infertility, and more. Most of these services can also be offered online. Let us help you live your best life, starting with online therapy.
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