Blog

by James Chadwick, MSW, LICSW, Radiant Living Therapist

This blog iteration will focus somewhat on the processing and meaning-making of dating versus courtship behaviors, though there will of course be some of that as well. That said, if you decide to go the route of online dating (as many do), I can offer a few suggestions. At Radiant Living Therapy, our team provides relationship counseling to help you realize your dating goals and relationship desires. In this post, what people are looking for in dating and relationships varies and may be beyond the scope of this blog to encapsulate perfectly. Online dating can be tricky, cause anxiety, and often leaves us exasperated and full of questions. Two chief areas we will focus on are “What to Write on Your Dating Profile” and “When to Have Sex With a New Dating Partner.”

Digital Personas: The Perils of Online Dating

What Pictures to Use in Your Online Dating Profile

It’s probably a good idea to lead with clear, recent, and flattering photographs of yourself (duh!). It’s also a good idea to include some solo photographs and some with friends and family, depending on your comfort level. The point is if all your photographs are solo they can come across as kind of reclusive. But if all your photographs include the same groups of people it might be hard to pick you out of the crowd! 

What to Write on Your Online Dating Profile

Written content can be a little bit trickier. I would definitely encourage you to write something. Apps like Hinge are kind of helpful in that they guide you with thoughtful and even witty prompts to showcase your personality. Whatever your dating and relationship goals are, it’s good to strike a balance. Be as authentic as you can be without overwhelming prospective suitors with vulnerability (that can come later, in stages). Try and keep potential points of connection in mind (e.g. shared values, goals, interests, etc.)

If it moves you and feels organic, employ a little bit of humor to break the awkwardness. Think about what you would value or like to see in a profile and allow that to guide you (while still maintaining authenticity). If you match with someone, make the first move/contact after whatever time you see fit. Again, think of balance. Answering right away may come off as invested or overzealous depending on the person. Whereas waiting “too long” might show a lack of passion/interest, though not necessarily. Similar rules of thumb apply to the time to wait before proposing an in-person meeting. 

Tolerating Ambiguity in Dating

Life comes with a certain amount of ambiguity and dating is no different! Again, here are some things you can do to reduce/manage that ambiguity, but a lot of it will likely remain for you to try to accept. Maybe you go on a first date and there is not a clear indication of whether to meet again. The first and most important consideration is your own level of desire to pursue the relationship. Too many people give the other person too much say in the matter without first reflecting on this. Assuming that you do want to continue seeing each other, follow up in about two days (again, striving for a balance between too little and too much time elapsed). Validate your partner by indicating that you enjoyed seeing them and clearly state that you would like to get together again. 

When To Have Sex With a New Dating Partner

You may be wondering when to have sex with a new dating partner. Good question, glad you asked! 🙂 Honestly, it depends, and once again the first and foremost consideration is your own comfort level with/willingness to be sexual with a new partner. I know of friends/family members in relationships that had sex on the first date/encounter. They went on to enjoy fulfilling, committed long-term relationships. On the other hand, there are people that designate the third date as the “sex date,” and there are those that wait until marriage and have almost endless possibilities in between. 

Whatever you decide, make sure that you have your partner’s (or partners’) clear consent as well as your own. You may want to check in with your emotional state at the proposed time of sex, as well as other related factors including trust and rapport. It can also be helpful to have direct conversations upfront about what each party is looking for. If one person wants a long-term committed relationship and someone (or more) else wants casual sex, sexual expectations and practices can get murky at best. Finding out what meaning your partner(s) attributes to sex and gauging compatibility can enhance sexual pleasure when you do decide to become sexual. Again, it’s all about balance. Overanalyzing sex can make it feel somewhat sterile while not discussing it enough can cause its own significant duress.  

Defining Your Relationship

At some point, the challenge/opportunity of defining the relationship will arise. This may present itself clearly/organically, or it may take some coaxing and prompt. Again, try to strike a balance with timing and glean some information from your partner(s) about their relationship goals and how they see your dynamic(s) unfolding. When it comes time to talk, be clear in your own goals and desires for the relationship(s), and try to prepare yourself ahead of time for a variety of possible outcomes/responses. More on processing rejection to come in a later blog post! Above all, try to have some fun dating and not take it too seriously, and consider working with a relationship therapist to optimize and actualize dating and relationship goals.

Ready to Start Relationship Counseling in Plymouth, MN?

Getting relationship counseling in our Plymouth, MN therapy office is a simple and easy process. With relationship counseling, our team specializes in providing you with the tools you need to help you figure out your dating and relationship goals. Start relationship counseling is easy with these simple steps:

1. Schedule a free therapy consultation to talk and get started
2. Meet with a caring relationship therapist
3. Begin relationship counseling to start achieving your dating goals

Other Counseling Services at Radiant Living Therapy

At Radiant Living Therapy, we understand what you’re going through, and provide relationship counseling to address your dating needs. Also, the therapists at our Plymouth, MN counseling office offer other mental health services such as anxiety and depression counseling, teen therapy, EMDR for trauma therapy, and skilled couples therapy. Check out our therapist blog or learn more about our team of expert therapists! Let us help you live your best life!