Written by Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT, Radiant Living Therapist
Many people I work with start online couples therapy worried that there is something wrong with them. Sometimes this is a worry about physical health, sometimes it’s a worry about mental health or their character. While I certainly do work with people who are struggling with genuine dysfunction, this is a smaller percentage of the population than those who have been harmed simply by our lacking and often negative education about sexuality. When we ask ourselves the question “Is my sexuality functioning the way I want it to?” we typically see a black and white answer of yes or no. Yes, means everything is ok and no means something is wrong with you. It can certainly feel like if you’re not experiencing erection, lubrication, pleasure, or orgasm when you want to, that something is very wrong.
How do we think about sexual functioning?
Today we’re going to look at another way of conceptualizing our sexual functioning that is not only much more accurate and healthier, but also allows us to have some control over the situation. I do this through what I call the sexual equation. Put simply this is: Turn Ons – Turn Offs = Outcome. In reality, this equation is far more complicated than I’ve listed here, but this format allows us to take a practical approach to working with our own sexuality. We’ll go through common misconceptions, how to manage your equation, and the limitations of this tool.
“I’m Broken” (…can therapy even help?)
I first want to go into a little more detail as to when using this equation can be helpful. Most commonly it’s helpful to take a look at our equation when things aren’t going our way. Whether this is difficulty with erection, lack of lubrication, or any other challenge, when this occurs the first thoughts for you or your partner might sound like, “What’s wrong with me?” “Is my partner attracted to me?” “Do they actually desire me?” “Am I attracted to my partner?”
Typically, none of these negative beliefs are true. However, we have been conditioned to believe that physiological arousal is a direct measure of mental arousal. This is simply not true. Let’s look at how we can apply the equation in this scenario. Let’s say a couple is about to be intimate and one of them doesn’t get an erection, him and his boyfriend might run through all of the thoughts listed above and end up hurt and confused.
However, if they take the time to break down the equation, we see a different outcome.
First, look at the positives: He’s attracted to his partner, he’s mentally aroused, and he’s excited to have sex. Ok great, just by looking at the positives we dispelled a lot of the worries that might have arisen. Next, we look at the negatives: Let’s say it’s this couples first time having sex and he’s really anxious for his boyfriend to have a good time and to secure the sexual compatibility of the relationship. That’s a lot of pressure, a lot of “Turn Off” to throw into the equation. This leads to the equation coming out negative, so no erection. If this couple can calmly talk through the equation no feelings are hurt, and our man’s partner may even be flattered by his partner’s desire for them to have a great time together. This equation works well for in-the-moment difficulties but also for bigger concerns like desire discrepancy.
I also work with many people who fear that their desire is broken, gone, or just horrifically low.
However, when I take the time to help them break down their equation for desire, we see something different. 9 out of 10 times it turns out that nothing is wrong with them, they’re relationship is simply devoid of “Turn-Ons” and has quite a few “Turn Offs” loaded in. Letting yourself take a serious look at your equation can really help you escape feelings of dysfunction and begin taking positive action to take some control back of your sexuality.
Finding Balance as a Couple
Once you know how to take a look at your own equation, the next step is learning how to alter it the way you want to. This doesn’t provide absolute control over your sexuality, but it does allow you to be an active participant in it. The first step to modifying the balance of your equation is knowing what your “Turn-Ons” and “Turn Offs” are. This is harder than it sounds. Many of us aren’t exposed to overtly sexual ideas and can struggle with this step. I could write several blog posts on how to begin identifying these but for now, we’ll just look at broad categories of what we’d call sexual contexts. These contexts are broader ideas or themes that have an impact on our sexuality.
Three Categories of Sexual Contexts:
Direct Sexual Contexts
These are things we engage with directly in the sexual act that improve or detract from our experience. An example of a direct context might be a power dynamic. For many people being dominant or submissive in bed feels inherently sexy and can be a fun “Turn On” to focus on to add to the positive side of your equation.
Indirect Sexual Contexts
These are things that you might not be focused on during intimacy but improve or harm the experience. An example of this might be the current quality of your emotional connection with your partner, or if you have privacy.
Meta Contexts
These are contexts that are required to make certain direct contexts sexy. An example of this might be safety. Without knowing you’re safe with your partner, doing something like using handcuffs doesn’t feel sexy, it feels scary. This could also be true of any sexual experience. Taking the time to begin exploring these contexts will give you a plethora of tools to help balance your equation the way you want it. I highly recommend “Come as you are” by Dr. Emily Nagoski for this. It includes a wealth of information on the topic as well as guided worksheets to help you identify your sexy contexts.
Limits of the Sexual Equation
As I mentioned above, this equation does have limits that are important to be aware of. Mainly this comes in the form of what we call non-concordance. This is the fact that despite our best efforts, sometimes our body ignores our equation and does its own thing. This happens to everyone and can give you experiences you don’t want or rob you of ones you do. Let’s look at some examples.
First, a couple where the body creates a reaction we don’t want. This might simply be a teenage boy who gets a random erection before going up to the whiteboard to complete a problem, despite feeling no arousal and not wanting an erection. On the darker side, many people who are sexually assaulted can experience lubrication, erection, or orgasm. For these people, their equation is certainly coming out negative, but sometimes the body just responds to physical stimuli unconsciously. Knowing the difference between desire and non-concordance in these cases is extremely important. As far as lacking reactions we want to have, there are simply times when despite our equation being positive, our body doesn’t cooperate. This is where things like lube or Viagra can really help folks.
Now, go use these tips from your couples therapist!
I hope this primer on sexual equations can help you start to reconceptualize how you understand and interact with your own and/or your partner’s sexuality. Instead of first jumping to dysfunction, explore the equation and see what you might be able to do to balance things your way!
Start Online Couples Therapy in Minnesota
Finding balancing in the bedroom (or outside of it) may require more support. Our online couples therapists can help you get the conversation started through couples or sex therapy in a safe, comfortable, and private environment. In fact, we offer online couples therapy in Minnesota, no matter where you are in the state. To get started, simply:
- Schedule a free, 30-minute consultation to talk about online couples therapy in Minnesota
- Meet with a licensed online couples therapist
- Find your sexual balance in your relationship, together.
Other Counseling Services at Radiant Living Therapy
Our problems have many layers. We know these issues are complex so, we are here for you at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Our professional therapists offer a variety of options for supporting your mental health needs. Our counseling services include individual counseling for anxiety or depression therapy, counseling for teens, marriage counseling and couples therapy, EMDR for trauma therapy, counseling for men, therapy for infertility, and more. Most of these services can also be offered online. Let us help you live your best life, starting with online therapy.
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