Written By Makenzie McMahon, MS
Sex can be an intimidating topic for a lot of teenagers. It can even be an intimidating topic for a lot of parents of teenagers. Our schools usually incorporate some sort of sex education in their curriculum (inclusive and comprehensive or not). More often than not though, sex education only covers the basics like the biology of the reproductive system and what condoms are rather than education around the experiences of sexuality. I could probably make a list a mile long addressing sex education questions, but in the meantime, here are 10 of the things your teen should know about sex and sexuality:
Virginity is a social construct.
Virginity is typically defined as something someone loses after the first time they have sex, but who or what defines virginity? (Hint: it’s you!) The definition of virginity is dependent on the individual as we all have different life experiences, sexualities and expectations. When you “lose your virginity” is up to you. Didn’t like your first partner? It doesn’t have to count. Was your first time in a sexual experience one without consent? Nope, doesn’t count if you don’t want it to. Was there no penetration? It counts if you want it to! Or not! It doesn’t matter. Your virginity and how you define it is up to YOU and only you.
*Note: The idea of ’losing’ your virginity implies that there is something to possess and essentially ‘give away’, like phone charges or Pokemon cards. This narrative is harmful and I’m using this phrasing for easement of the post because it warrants its own blog.
Masturbation is normal!
Masturbation is a completely normal activity for people (of all ages and genders!) to experience and partake in if they so choose. Honestly, masturbation is a great way to get in tune with your body and experiment with what you like and don’t like sexually. Our bodies grow and change during our teenage years; it’s expected and normal for individuals to want to investigate and adapt to these changes. Masturbation is a healthy, normal thing for people to do. Not to mention, it can be fun and enjoyable so experiment and see what works for you. Ain’t no shame to the masturbation game.
Porn can be fun, but it isn’t realistic.
I like to equate pornography to WWE. WWE (the wrestling show where the Rock first started his career before playing himself in all of his movies) is fun; it’s exciting, involves a lot of action, and really draws you into what’s happening. But WWE is fake. It’s scripted, the wrestlers aren’t truly wrestling as much as they’re putting on a show for views and entertainment.
Porn is the same way. It can be fun to watch but again, it’s important to keep in mind these are actors doing a job for entertainment purposes. Like wrestlers, pornstars are paid to put on fake shows for views; neither are real. My word of advice? Don’t go into a sexual experience expecting what you saw in the porn video the other day to happen. Nor should you go into a wrestling match with moves you saw the Rock do- neither will probably end well.
Your genitals don’t look weird.
Our genitals are like our fingerprints, they’re all different and unique to us. Sure, they probably have similar parts but no two are the same. Penises come in all lengths and girths and vulvas come in all shapes and sizes. The world would be boring if we all looked the same. Same goes for breasts, no one’s breasts look identical- neither do our own! People’s own breasts can be two different sizes and that’s completely normal, too. Possibly inconvenient for bra shopping, but completely normal.
No birth control method is 100% foolproof.
Yes, condoms have a fairly high success rate (when used properly!) however they aren’t 100% effective. Neither are the other forms of birth control (pill, IUD, female condom, arm bar, pull out method, cycle tracking, etc.) It is suggested to use two forms of preventative measures when and if able to decrease chances of unwanted pregnancy. I suggest talking to your doctor if you have any questions or desire to use birth control.
Condoms do more than just help prevent unwanted pregnancies.
Although, as discussed above, condoms can be effective in preventing unwanted pregnancies, they also help prevent the transmission of sexually transmitted diseases. STI’s are typically transmitted through bodily fluids (think vaginal discharge, saliva, semen…you get it) and with condoms being a physical barrier, they work to prevent sharing fluids with your partner and potentially transmitting STI’s. For those participating in sexual experiences with vulva-owning individuals, dental dams are available for use as a similar physical barrier to help prevent the transmission of STI’s!
Sex, gender identity, sexual orientation, and relationship orientation all mean different things.
Let me break down some definitions:
- Sex: the sex assigned to you at birth, usually male or female, though intersex is a very real sex too and I highly suggest Googling that.
- Gender Identity: how you identify your gender, which may or may not be the one typically associated with your assigned sex. Woman, man, non-binary, genderfluid, agender, etc. Gender is, like virginity, a social construct and it’s something that we decide for ourselves. Again, another blog post.
- Sexual Orientation: How you identify your attraction to other people, such as heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, etc.
- Relationship Orientation: How you identify how you navigate relationships. In Western cultures, we mostly see monogamy as the dominant relationship orientation. However, there is also polyamory that is beginning to create more headway in our society. Notably, there is also polygamy (which is something totally different!!). I suggest you look up the show Sister Wives if you’re curious about that. These are just a few examples of different relationship orientations.
Your hymen “breaking” the first time of having penetrative sex isn’t necessarily true.
There’s this old wives tale or myth that your hymen will break after penetrative sex. Your hymen isn’t something that can just break. Though yes, your hymen is a very real thing, it isn’t like a penis will be the Kool Aid man bursting through the wall and breaking it. Your hymen will stretch/loosen over time, sometimes it can tear (I know, bad visual) a little during sex, but that can happen due to tampons or horseback riding too, and it isn’t indicative of anything that society says it is.
Consent is needed 100% of the time, all of the time.
If you take nothing away from this blog (which I hope isn’t the case but just in case it is), I want you to at least know the gravity and importance of consent.
Consent is not debatable. Consent is needed 100% of the time, all of the time, and it is needed continuously. True consent is actively agreeing to whatever is happening. And, continued consent is continuing to consent to whatever is happening. Sexual activity without consent from both (or more) parties is sexual assault. Again, sexual activity without consent from both (or more) parties is sexual assault.
Any participating party can say no at any point and for any reason.
If it isn’t an enthusiastic yes, it’s a no. Or, if it’s an “eh, I guess”, it’s a no. If they feel pressured into saying yes, it’s coercion and therefore no. If they’re drunk, passed out, or sleeping- it’s a no. Basically, if it’s anything other than an active and enthusiastic yes- it’s a no. Consent is cool. Consent is mandatory.
Sex is weird, funny, fun, awkward, and everything in between.
Similar to how sex isn’t the same as it is in porn, it isn’t like the movies either. Sex IRL can be full of noises, leg cramps, sweatiness, laughing, etc. Sex and the sexual experience is as diverse as people who are having it and that, my friends, is the beautiful thing about it.
Thinking About Counseling for Teens in Plymouth, MN?
Teenagers are learning and growing both within themselves and within the world. Navigating sex and sexuality is (for most, not all) a part of that and keeping an open conversation can help facilitate not only their personal growth but also your relationship with your teen. You probably already know that we offer online counseling in Minnesota, no matter where you are in the state. So, let’s connect! To get started, simply:
- Schedule a free, 30-minute consultation to talk about teen therapy
- Meet with a skilled and licensed online therapist in Minnesota
- Start to empower your teen with confidence
Other Counseling Services at Radiant Living Therapy
Our problems have many layers. We know these issues are complex so, at our Plymouth, MN counseling office, our professional therapists offer a variety of options for supporting your mental health needs. Our counseling services include individual counseling for anxiety or depression therapy, counseling for teens, marriage counseling and couples therapy, EMDR for trauma therapy, counseling for men, therapy for infertility, and more. Most of these services can also be offered online. Let us help you live your best life, starting with online therapy.
If you are a helping professional looking for help, or a therapist needing supervision or consultation services, we can help you, too. No matter the need, our therapists look forward to connecting with you!
Read more from the Radiant blog:
- Unload The Mental Load: Tips from a Twin Cities Therapist
- The Way You See Yourself Matters: Body Image and Sexual Functioning
- Attached at the Hip: How Attachment Styles Affect Our Adult Relationships
- New Year New Us: Relationship Resolutions
- Setting Boundaries: The Holiday Edition
- A Beginner’s Guide to Sex Toys
