By Amanda Holmberg, MS LMFT
Have you ever found yourself wanting something to change but struggling to take the steps needed to make it happen?
Maybe you want to set better boundaries, improve your mental health, leave a relationship, start exercising, speak up more often, or stop a pattern that no longer serves you. You know what you want. You may even know exactly what needs to happen next.
Yet somehow, you find yourself stuck.
Many people assume that if they truly wanted something badly enough, change would be easy. When change doesn’t happen, they often become frustrated with themselves.
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Why can’t I just do it?”
“I know what I need to do.”
The truth is that wanting change and being ready for change are not always the same thing. Change is often difficult, not because you are lazy, unmotivated, or lacking willpower, but because your mind and body are trying to navigate something that feels uncertain.
The Comfort of the Familiar
One of the biggest reasons change feels difficult is that human beings are wired to prefer familiarity.
Notice that familiarity is not the same thing as happiness.
We can become accustomed to situations that are stressful, unhealthy, or unfulfilling. Even when something is not working, it is known. We understand the rules. We know what to expect.
Change introduces uncertainty.
The familiar job may feel draining, but you know how to do it. The relationship may have challenges, but its patterns are predictable. The coping strategies you rely on may not be helping long-term, but they are familiar.
Our brains often interpret familiar situations as safer than unknown ones, even when the unknown may ultimately be better for us.
Change Involves Loss
When people think about change, they often focus on what they hope to gain.
Less attention is given to what may need to be left behind.
Even positive changes can involve loss.
A new job may mean leaving familiar coworkers. Setting boundaries may change the way others respond to you. Starting a healthier lifestyle may require giving up routines that have provided comfort. Leaving a relationship may mean grieving the future you once imagined.
It is possible to feel excited about change and sad about it at the same time.
These emotions are not evidence that you are making the wrong decision. They are often evidence that you are human. Give yourself time to identify and process these losses. Processing them might just help the “stuck” feeling you haven’t been able to shake.
Your Mind Wants Certainty
Many people delay change while waiting to feel completely sure.
They tell themselves:
- I’ll do it when I feel more confident.
- I’ll do it when I know exactly how it will turn out.
- I’ll do it when I’m certain it’s the right choice.
Unfortunately, certainty is rarely available.
Most meaningful changes involve some level of risk, ambiguity, and discomfort.
The challenge is that confidence often comes after action, not before it.
Waiting until fear disappears may mean waiting indefinitely.
Old Patterns Often Served a Purpose
Sometimes people become frustrated with themselves for staying stuck in behaviors they want to change.
But many patterns that create difficulties today originally developed for a reason.
People-pleasing may have helped you avoid conflict.
Perfectionism may have helped you earn praise or feel secure.
Avoidance may have protected you from overwhelming emotions.
Even habits that no longer serve us often began as attempts to cope, adapt, or protect ourselves.
When we recognize this, it becomes easier to approach change with curiosity rather than self-criticism.
Change Can Challenge Your Identity
Some changes are difficult because they require us to see ourselves differently.
Perhaps you have always been the responsible one. The caretaker. The peacekeeper. The achiever. The person everyone depends on.
Making changes may require stepping outside of a role that has become part of your identity.
Even when a role feels limiting, letting go of it can feel uncomfortable.
Questions may emerge, such as:
- Who am I if I stop taking care of everyone else?
- What happens if people are disappointed in me?
- What if others don’t like the new version of me?
These concerns are often deeper than the behavior itself.
Progress Rarely Looks Like a Straight Line
Many people expect change to happen in a steady, upward direction.
Real life is usually messier.
There are often periods of progress, setbacks, uncertainty, and self-doubt. You may feel motivated one week and discouraged the next. You may make a change and later question it.
This does not mean you are failing.
Growth often involves learning, adjusting, and continuing forward despite moments of discomfort.
What Helps Change Feel Less Stressful?
When change feels difficult, it can be helpful to shift the goal.
Instead of asking:
“How do I stop feeling afraid?”
Try asking:
“How do I take one small step while feeling afraid?”
Change becomes more manageable when it is broken into smaller, more realistic pieces.
It can also help to:
- Focus on progress rather than perfection.
- Expect some discomfort rather than viewing it as a sign to stop.
- Practice self-compassion when setbacks occur.
- Seek support from trusted friends, family members, or a therapist.
- Remind yourself why the change matters to you and your values
- Remind yourself what the consequences are of staying the same.
You do not need to feel completely ready before you begin.
Growth Often Feels Uncomfortable
One of the most difficult truths about change is that growth and discomfort frequently occur together.
We often imagine that when we are moving in the right direction, we will feel confident, certain, and motivated.
Sometimes we do.
Other times, growth feels vulnerable, uncertain, and uncomfortable.
Discomfort is not always a sign that something is wrong. Sometimes it is simply evidence that you are doing something new.
You Don’t Have to Wait Until You’re Ready to Change
Many people spend years waiting for the perfect moment to make a change.
The perfect moment rarely arrives.
Readiness is often something that develops through action rather than before it.
You do not need complete confidence to begin. You do not need all the answers. You do not need certainty about every outcome.
Sometimes the first step is simply acknowledging that change is hard, understanding why it feels that way, and choosing to move forward anyway.
Schedule a Consultation for Therapy in Minneapolis, MN
If you are struggling with a change in your life, therapy can provide a space to explore what is keeping you stuck, strengthen your confidence, and help you move toward the life you want, even when the path forward feels uncertain.
You do not have to have it all figured out before taking the next step. Contact us today to schedule a free consultation or learn more about how therapy in Plymouth, MN can support you.
- Schedule a free online therapy consultation to talk and get started
- Meet with a caring Minnesota couples therapist
- Begin your journey to start healing and feeling more like your best possible self.
Other Counseling Services at Radiant Living Therapy
At Radiant Living Therapy, we understand what you’re going through and provide anxiety and depression counseling to address your needs. Also, the therapists at our Plymouth, MN counseling office offer other mental health services such as counseling for men, teen therapy, EMDR for trauma therapy, and skilled couples therapy. Check out our therapist blog or learn more about our team of expert therapists! Let us help you live your best life!
About the Author: Couples, Adult, and Teen Therapist Amanda Holmberg
Amanda Holmberg, MS LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, sex therapist, and AAMFT-Approved Supervisor with more than 15 years of experience specializing in sex and relationship therapy. She is the founder of Sexual Wellness Institute and Radiant Living Therapy, where she helps individuals and couples address sexual concerns, intimacy challenges, and relationship dynamics in a stigma-free and trauma-aware environment. Amanda also provides training and supervision for therapists, creating tools and resources to strengthen supervision and clinical skills for therapists.
