Is Your Sex Life Good Enough?

by Isabel Meyer-Mueller, MS, Radiant Living Therapist

The dominant sexual script that we see in movies, pornography, and on social media is that sex should be hot and heavy, deeply passionate, intensely pleasurable, and if it is with the right person, it will just “click” and not require communication or negotiation. The emphasis here is on performative pleasure and high-functioning genitals. This is wildly misrepresentative of how most sexual experiences actually go and can even be harmful to people by creating unrealistic expectations of what sex looks like. Have you ever fallen victim to this rhetoric and felt inadequate or ashamed when a sexual experience didn’t go as planned? Because of the prevalence of these damaging ideas, many people will have thoughts of “I am not a good sexual partner,” “I am broken,” or “I have disappointed my partner and failed myself.” These thoughts are incredibly common, but not inevitable. There is hope! This is where the Good Enough Sex Model comes in; a model for sex therapy that was pioneered by Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy in order to help couples achieve high-quality sex that is realistic.

Couple sitting on a bed together. Having good sex in a marriage is important for connection. A Plymouth, MN couples therapist can help here.

Misconceptions About Sex

First, we need to deconstruct the idea that sex can and should go perfectly every time. It is important to remember that even couples who report being satisfied in their sexual relationship still report experiencing dysfunctional or dissatisfying sex 5-15% of the time. Simply put, sex will not go perfectly every time and that is okay! Sex will also inevitably change throughout your life cycle. Whether it’s related to transitions like the birth of a new child, the diagnosis of an illness, or the impact of aging on sexual functioning, there will be shifts to go through. What would it look like in your relationship to relinquish the idea that everything needs to go “perfectly” for sex to be enjoyable and instead work to cultivate an environment of pleasure, connection, and playfulness with your partner? What if something goes unexpectedly in sex wasn’t a “failure” but instead an opportunity for you and your partner to come together as a team and be flexible to solve the problem?

Why Do People Have Sex?

Couple holding hands in bed. A good sex life is important for marriage and relationships. A Plymouth, MN sex therapist can help.

Within the Good Enough Sex Model, Metz and McCarthy posit that there are five main reasons why someone would engage in sexual intercourse: reproduction, tension and anxiety reduction, sensual enjoyment and pleasure, self-esteem and confidence, and relationship closeness and satisfaction. It is important to be able to recognize the variety of reasons that you and your partner might engage in sex and be ready to embrace the ways that sex can look differently depending on the goal. Rather than working towards one rigid goal for all sexual experiences, such as a synchronous orgasm, work flexibly with your partner to create an agenda that suits both of you in that moment. This flexibility will be a huge strength when and if something does not go according to plan. That way, you will be able to shift gears more seamlessly and continue to experience pleasure rather than just ending the experience.

What are some realistic ways to put this new knowledge about sex into practice?

Masturbate!

On an individual level, it might be important for each partner to gain confidence in themselves through masturbation. This can also be a good way to start to identify ideal ways of being stimulated. This knowledge will be important to have so that you can eventually start to communicate it to your partner. Additionally, this can be the basis for finding new ways of incorporating pleasure into your partnered experiences.

Incorporate non-intercourse into your sex life

Inevitably, there will be times when penetrative sex is not on the table for a variety of reasons. In order to increase flexibility and decrease anxiety when these situations arise, you can prepare for them in advance! What would it be like to practice having intimate, erotic, and sensual moments with your partner that do not include intercourse?

Gay couple looking at each other and smiling. Turning towards each other in a relationship matters. A sex therapist in Plymouth, MN can help you find that connection.

Turn towards each other

Whether a sexual experience goes the way you want it to or not, be sure to turn towards your partner, not away. For example, after a sexual experience, spend a moment talking to your partner, sharing your experience, or cuddling in bed. Even if the experience included some dysfunction or was dissatisfying, try to find some way to connect rather than avoid the situation.

How to have better sex:

When in doubt, continue to come back to the key concepts of the Good Enough Sex Model: pleasure, intimacy, and realistic expectations. This can look very different depending on the couple, so perhaps you can use this blog post as a jumping-off point to have a conversation with your partner. And remember that sex doesn’t always go “perfectly” and that is okay!