A Pandemic of Sexual Misunderstanding - Therapy in Plymouth, MN 55446

Written by Eric Anfinson, Radiant Living Therapist

This is a topic I’ve been wanting to write about stemming directly from my experience as a sex therapist. I see this occur with startling frequency and it often destroys relationships. The problem I want to discuss is the miscommunication of what sex means to us. While this problem can come up with anyone, I see this problem come up particularly often with cisgender men in heterosexual relationships. There is a widespread cultural belief that men are purely sex driven and see sex as something that simply makes them feel good. Furthermore, this belief often includes the perception that men solely see women as sexual objects who are simply used to fulfill this base desire.

Now, before I delve deeper into this, I do want to acknowledge that there are far too many men out there who do see sex and approach it in this manner. What I want to explore, however, is the problem with patriarchal values passed onto men who’ve been socialized to believe that they are completely driven by sex. This causes a lot of miscommunications and misunderstandings about sex, and ultimately men not getting their needs met.

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Men Only Want One Thing

One of the primary problems with this limited perception of sex is that when reaching out for sexual intimacy with their partner, men often do a poor job of explaining what it is they’re needing. Many women have also been socialized to think men see sex in this negative light. We have poorly articulated desire mixed with a predisposition to see sexual advances in a negative way. To further this problem, many women in heterosexual relationships are also taught to feel as though it’s their responsibility or obligation to take care of their partner sexually. All of these terrible things combined lead to sex that not only doesn’t feel good for either person, but doesn’t even meet the needs it supposed to. It builds massive resentment around sex.

Another symptom of these perceptions can be cold or dismissive rejection of a partner’s sexual initiation. If you feel sexual initiation is purely selfish and objectifying, why would you agree to that? One more symptom I see of this perception is great hurt that occurs if there’s any difficulty with erection. If men are inherent sexual creatures and an erection isn’t happening, it must be because they’re not attracted to their partner. Hurt feelings from the partner is one of the first things I see happen with most erectile difficulty cases. Now, if we suppose that everything I described here is the wrong way of viewing these things, then what is the right way?

We ALL Want to Be Loved

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Just like everyone else on the planet, men want to be loved. Sexual intimacy happens to be an incredible and powerful way to make someone feel loved, wanted, validated, prioritized, seen, close, and about a million other positive feelings. This isn’t limited to the act of sex itself. There are many different ways we all feel loved. To learn more about love languages I highly recommend Gary Chapman’s book on the topic.

So we all want to be loved, but how we receive that love and ask for that love can be very different. This is where the problem can arise in heterosexual relationships.

This is where some big miscommunication can happy with men communicating that they are interested in having sex with their partner. They communicate in a way that makes it seem like it’s all about sex instead of it also being about wanting to connect with their partner. I encourage the partners of these men to instead, interpret these requests as them sharing how sex makes them feel, including the unfiltered joy of intimacy and connection. I find it hard to do justice to the articulation, but the fact that someone wants to be so intimately connected with you, to share that space filled with vulnerability, exhilaration, pleasure, and romance, that feeling is one of the most powerful connecting, and validating forces in the world. Hopefully that all sounds a bit nicer, but what do we do with it?

Healing Our Relationships: Communication and Emotional Awareness

One of the biggest problems in moving forward in this arena is men needing to work on their own emotional awareness. It often takes time to get men to dig deep and really connect with what sexual intimacy means to them. If you feel like any of these feelings have been a problem in your relationship, a good starting place is just sitting down together and really working to identify what sex means to each of you.

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From here we can work to communicate that when we’re reaching out for sex, what we’re looking for is connection, intimacy, and validation. This can not only open up each person to saying yes to connection more, but when we need to say no we can say it in a way that addresses that our partner is reaching out for connection. This can sound like, “I’d love to have sex, I really want to feel connected and close to you too. Today’s been really hard for me so I’m not up for sex, but can you just hold me while we watch a movie?” This kind response typically leads to massively improved response to rejection of sex as well.

If you want to have sex and don’t get to, that’s disappointing, but if you reach out saying you need to feel connected and are completely rejected, that really hurts. That is typically why men get mopey and sullen when turned down, because they’re trying to initiate a bid for connection. Again, when most men initiate sex, they’re not communicating what it is that they’re really needing, so it’s partially on them. This simple change of communicating the true need behind sex can make a world of difference.

Consider Starting Sex Therapy in Minnesota Here

There are still many other issue out there when it comes to the differences between men and women when it comes to sex. Of course, this in no way identifies or addresses all of them. We need to start making fundamental changes to the way all of us see men and their relationship with sex. Primarily starting with how we teach men themselves to see sex.

We would love to help you take a proactive approach to your sex life. Or, help you find the best sex therapist to address the concerns you already have with sex therapy from our Plymouth, MN-based therapy practice. In fact, we offer online counseling in Minnesota, no matter where you are in the state. To get started, simply:

Schedule a free, 30-minute consultation
Meet with a skilled and licensed sex therapist
Feel more comfortable and confident in your sex life and beyond.

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Other Counseling Services at Radiant Living Therapy

Our problems have many layers. We know these issues are complex so, we are here for you at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Our professional therapists offer a variety of options for supporting your mental health needs. Our counseling services include individual counseling for anxiety or depression therapy, counseling for teens, marriage counseling and couples therapy, EMDR for trauma therapy, counseling for men, therapy for infertility, and more. Most of these services can also be offered online. Let us help you live your best life, starting with online therapy.

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